Louis Armstrong sang “What a Wonderful
World†in 1967. In that beautiful song he opines and laments, “I think
to myself, what a wonderful worldâ€. His world in 1967 was a world that
saw a 10,000 person march in San Francisco against the Vietnam War while
more than 11,000 American soldiers died. It was the year Jim Garrison
claimed a conspiracy theory in the death of President John F. Kennedy.
It was the year Fidel Castro absconded all intellectual property in
Cuba. Israel was in the midst of a 6-Day War with Syria, Jordan, and
Egypt. A prison riot in Florida left 23 dead, and an explosion on the
USS Forrestal left 134 dead.
In
other words, 1967 was just like every other year in human history.
There was fun – Elvis and Priscilla wed in 1967. There was scary –
Russia severed diplomatic ties with Israel bringing the threat of
nuclear war closer to reality. There was excitement – the AFL and NFL
played in the first cross divisional super bowl. And there was history –
Thurgood Marshal became the first black Supreme Court justice striking a
huge victory for civil and social equality.
There was good but there was also so much bad. So why was Louis Armstrong singing about a wonderful world?
There was struggle and death and war. There was scandal and oppression
and bigotry. So why was it a wonderful world? And why do we often refer
to these old days as days of innocence? Why do so many people long for
these simpler times? There are no new sins which mean that bad things
have always happened. Bad people have always existed. I think the
difference is that today we see and hear about things that never would
have made the news in 1967. We have immediate and unfettered access to
the daily beauty and the daily horror of our world.
Earlier this week I was watching the
news about the Malaysian flight that went missing. Even though there was
no discernible hard news to report, the reporting never stopped. There
were endless hours of speculation and endless hours of gloom and doom
predictions on channel after channel. I was watching one of the news
channels’ talking heads theorize about the various causes and rationales
for the flight simply disappearing when my youngest daughter walked in
and sat down next to me. I wasn’t paying attention to the look on her
face as she listened to the tragic story of a missing airliner and the
potential of so many lost lives. After
a few minutes, she asked me if that could happen to the plane her
brother was going to be on when he came home from his spring break trip
to Washington DC.
How do I answer that question?
September 11, 2001 showed us that even domestic flights are not beyond
the reach of zealots who kill in the perversion of belief. But how do I
tell a 9 year old that, even though safety cannot be guaranteed, we
cannot spend our time fearing the worst and that there is very little
chance of something happening to her brother? How
do I help her understand that she needs to be vigilant without either
breaking down her innocence or else building an impenetrable barrier and
completely isolating her?
I
ended up talking to Abbie about how the world is full of great people
who want to thrive and work to make their lives and the lives of others
better. But there are also people who aren’t good. There
are people who will hurt others and will take things that aren’t theirs
and are just plain mean. We talked about why it is important to be one
of the people who helps others and is good and we also talked about how
to notice people who are obviously not nice. We talked about kind words
versus words that are not nice. We talked about good places to go and
places that she should never go. We talked about the importance of
always listening to Mom and Dad and never straying from us in public. We talked.
Why am I telling you this?
Because according to the Department of Justice, 58,200 children are
kidnapped by non-relatives in the United States of America each year.
Because 3,400 children die and 17,500 are injured in house fires each
year. Because 300 children are hit and killed by cars while playing in
the street each year. Because 30 children die due to accidental
poisoning while at home.
I
am telling you this because I have to ask you if you are prepared and
doing everything you can to keep these horrible things from happening to
you and your children. Are you making your world as wonderfully safe as
possible?
You may be reading this and thinking,
“I have fire alarms and my cabinets have kiddie locks and my kids don’t
play in the street so I am goodâ€. But fire alarms simply tell you that
the problem is there, kiddie locks are easily manipulated or sometimes
doors aren’t shut, and kids chase balls into the street. Every year
there is a heart wrenching story about a mom or dad who “just turned
their head for a second†and their child was gone. Life can come at you
hard and fast and if you are not prepared then the worst can happen,
even to those who have attempted diligence. Tragedy can come to the prepared but the likelihood increases too much not to do everything you can. Please give some thought to the following:
Have a plan at home:
Make sure your smoke alarms work, but also make sure your kids know what to do when they hear those alarms.
Fatal fires most often occur at night when the kids are in a different
room than you. Do they know how to get out of the house without you? Do
they know where to go once they are outside so that you will know they
are safe? Do they know which neighbor they can go to for help? Have you
practiced? Schools have fire drills because fires can and do occur. Have
you had a fire drill at home? Consider the following:
Show your kids what a fire alarm sounds like by testing it with them standing close by. Explain what the noise is and what it means.
Point out the best exits in every room in your house.
You never know where a fire will originate or where it will manifest.
Talk about using doors only if they are clear. Give them permission to
break out a window if necessary to escape. Point out the things in the
room that can be used to break a window if necessary and then talk to
them about covering the broken glass with clothes or a towel or curtains
so that they are not cut while climbing out.
Designate a meeting place outside.
Choose a tree or something easy to remember and easy to see. It needs
to be something away from the house for safety. Tell everyone if they
hear the fire alarm and they are not with you they have to get to that
spot as quickly and safely as possible.
Practice the alarm and exiting the house and meeting at the spot.
No one wants to scare their kids and no one wants their kids living in fear. However, there is a fine line between living in fear and living safely.
You need to talk to your kids about the importance of not wandering
off. Talk to them about the importance of listening to you. Talk to them
about who a stranger is and how they can be polite without inviting an
unwanted stranger closer than they should be. Consider the following:
Tell your kids that they are not to
leave with a stranger, no matter what that stranger says. Give them
examples and tell them that you will never send a stranger to pick them
up if you are hurt. You will not send a stranger to pick them up for any
reason. Explain that even though strangers with candy or puppies are
tempting that they cannot under any circumstance go with that stranger.
Some of you are probably thinking to yourself that this would scare a
child so it should not be done. Please understand, if you do not help
them have a healthy fear that produces caution then your child is an
easy target to a bad person.
When you are going to a restaurant
talk to your kids about how they should behave. Don’t let your kids be
the ones that other tables try to avoid. At the same time, talk to your
kids about where they can go in the restaurant and where they cannot.
Just because a bathroom door is visible does not mean it is safe for a
little one. Know who is in there and do not take chances if you do not
know.
Grocery stores and shopping malls and
clothing stores are among the most dangerous places for kids because
there are so many line-of-site obstacles and there are so many people
who just don’t stand out, even though they probably would in another
environment. This is a hard thing to talk about with your kids but if
you have ever seen the video of the little girl in Florida, who was
approached by a stranger, listened to him and gently took his hand and
walked out with him, and then was found dead the next day, you
understand.
Talk very plainly with your kids and tell them that if anyone approaches them they are not to go with them. Period.
But that isn’t enough. You could tell
them to pitch a fit and cry if someone tries to take them but have you
ever been shopping and heard a kid cry? Were you relieved or concerned
when someone finally took that kid outside? Crying simply isn’t enough.
If someone tries to take your child practice with them what to do. They
should hit and kick and specifically scream “NOT MY MOMMA, NOT MY DADDY,
HELP HELPâ€. Simply crying or
yelling for help isn’t enough. They have to convey the message that this
is someone who should not be taking them. Have them
practice yelling “NOT MY MOMMA, NOT MY DADDY, HELP HELPâ€. No, this isn’t
a fun thing to do but there are people out there who make this level of
caution necessary.
Finally, know the dangers at home.
Know
where poisons are and don’t trust a $1.25 childproof latch to keep your
kids alive. Move poisons to high places behind locked doors. Educate
yourself on keeping your children safe if you have a pool, if you have
drawstring drapes, if you have a staircase. Each of these claim lives
every year. What are you doing to prevent an accidental loss? Do you
have the poison control number posted somewhere easy to find? Do your
kids know how to dial 911 in case something happens to you?
Luck favors the prepared.
We prepare our cars for a trip by
checking the oil. We prepare for retirement by saving money. We prepare
for the day by showering and cleaning ourselves. Are you preparing your
kids for the world they live in? It truly is a wonderful world. It is a
world filled with beauty and opportunity and wonderful people. It is
also a world filled with dangerous places and mean people and accidents
that can change your life in the blink of an eye. Don’t rely on
happenstance or chance. The chances that your child will ever face a
house fire or a kidnapper or any of these dangers is small. But if they
do, don’t live the rest of your life wondering what you could have done
differently.
We live in a wonderful world.
Make sure it is a world your kids
understand and live in with a healthy respect. Help them understand that
you are there to protect them. Help them understand how to protect
themselves. Make sure it is a wonderfully safe world for a long time for
your kids.
As we continue our discussion about the
process of behavior change it is important to stop every now and then
and address common misconceptions about how things should be done. Last
week we talked about the importance of the Differential Reinforcement of
Inappropriate behaviors (DRI). The DRI is a fancy way of describing the
consequence for an inappropriate behavior. A DRI may be a time out, an
extra assignment, extra chores, or an actual punishment – and this is
what we need to talk about today. Is a good DRI a punishment? Here’s where the answer gets tricky: the answer is yes…and… no.
Punishment is absolutely part of the behavior change process.
Punishment is a tool used by parents, teachers, administrators, and anyone else working with kids.
Punishment can be defined as loosely as “a good talking to†or as
sternly as corporal punishment. Let’s not get into a debate on the
virtue or vice of corporal punishment but instead, for this discussion,
let’s pretend that all DRIs are created equal. For this discussion they are equal because both can cause damage.
The issue with the DRI lies in the fact that it is given after something bad has occurred. Your child or your student has broken a rule or done something he should not have done, and now you have to deal with it.
Sometimes this is simple but sometimes that last behavior was one too
many and now you have reached your boiling point out of frustration or
even anger. A consequence that is given out of frustration, anger or
even spur of the moment reaction has the opportunity to be just as
detrimental as the behavior that led to the consequence.
This is what we need to talk about: We need to give a consequence because it is a known result, and therefore is tied directly to the behavior,
versus angrily reacting and providing a consequence that the child
personalizes and focuses back on the giver of the consequence, not the
behavior itself.
Before we go any further let me say that there are exceptions,
as there are for everything, with the reaction based consequence.
Usually these exceptions lie with very young children because you need
an immediate consequence that they can relate immediately to the
behavior. For example, a toddler reaching for the stove may have his
hand slapped and sternly told “no “ and the immediacy of the punishment
coupled with the quick admonition of not reaching for fire is effective.
The toddler puts two and two together – reaching for the fire
equals pain and getting into trouble. Therefore don’t reach for the
fire. Little ones need this immediacy because they are not yet
capable of rationalizing delayed consequences and equating it with a bad
behavior. If a little one reaches for the fire and you pick him up and
carry him to the other side of the room and come back later and tell him
that was wrong, he isn’t going to get the message. Immediacy is
important for little ones still in those pre-developmental phases of
learning.
A child or an adolescent on the other hand is a different matter.
Shelby’s mom has some decisions to make.
Any rational adult would be angry. Most of us would want to drag Shelby
back in the house and set her straight on who makes the rules and who
should be following them. Let’s look at Shelby’s Mom’s DRI and the difference between a reaction DRI and a purposeful DRI.
Shelby slams the door and stomps down the walkway towards the bus…
Shelby picked up her clothes and her
only real consequence was her Mom yelling at her in front of her
friends. She didn’t lose her phone or tablet and she wasn’t even
grounded. So did her Mom accomplish what she needed to accomplish? Let’s look at another way of dealing with the problem.
Shelby throws the door open and begins stomping down the walkway towards the bus…
Shelby walks in, closes the door, goes up to her Mom and…
gives her a hug and says, “Sorry Mom.â€
Some folks would think that this was a
step in the right direction and that the apology was good enough,
especially if they tell her that from now on that behavior isn’t
acceptable and Shelby agrees. But that isn’t good enough.
Shelby apologizing is well and good, but if you accept that and just
move on then you haven’t taught her that all of her actions this morning
have consequences. Here’s what Shelby’s Mom did:
Shelby hugs her Mom and apologizes and
says that she knew it was wrong to talk ugly to her. Shelby is pretty
sure this will smooth everything over and things will be fine now. But Shelby’s Mom surprises her.
“I accept your apology and I appreciate
the fact that you feel bad for the way you actedâ€, Shelby’s mom says,
“But you need to learn, starting right now, that what you say and what
you do matter. You also need to learn that I am your mother and you will
be respectful to me. While I accept your apology, we are not done.â€
Shelby’s Mom tells her to sit down and tells her that there are now three things that Shelby needs to understand.
First, the
clothes are still on the bathroom floor and Shelby will pick those up,
but she is now also responsible for gathering all the other dirty
clothes in the entire house and sorting them for laundry on wash days. This is now her responsibility. It is a skill that she needs to learn and it is also a contribution to the family she will now make.
Second, her
Mom says that she realizes that she is going through some changes and
she also knows that everyone can get mad. But, that is not an excuse for
ever talking to her the way she did this morning. She told her that
when she speaks disrespectfully like that from now on, she will lose her
phone for an entire week. No questions asked and no second chances. The
phone is a privilege, not a parental obligation, and it will be taken
away. She will talk respectfully to her Mom or she won’t be talking to anyone.
Third, when
Shelby is angry she does not get to slam out of the house. She will sit
down on the couch until she has calmed down enough to talk. Even if she misses the bus, she will not walk away angry.
As Shelby’s Mom lays out these three rules, Shelby tries to argue but her Mom stops her each time and says,
“Young lady, I am talking and you are now listening.†After
laying out these three rules Shelby’s Mom says, “I appreciate your
apology, but I love you too much to let you think that treating people
that way is ok. These are the rules. There will be
consequences if these rules are broken. You will have extra housework
and you will lose your phone and tablet if these rules are broken. These rules are fair and they are not up for debate or negotiation. Now go pick up your clothes, put them in the dirty clothes hamper, and let’s make dinner together.â€
In the first example,
Shelby’s mom gave a consequence that was born purely out of frustration
and anger. The result was that Shelby picked up her clothes, but it
wasn’t an admission of wrong doing. She did it despite the fact she was
mad, and by the time she was on the bus she had rationalized the entire incident as one more example of her Mom being an overbearing jerk.
In the second example,
the clothes were not immediately picked up but Shelby spent the day
wondering what was going to happen at home. Shelby witnessed her Mom in
an anger-provoking situation deal with the anger in a controlled way.
When she got home she wasn’t jumped on or yelled at. Instead, her Mom
was clear, concise, and all business. She laid out the rules and the
consequences. Shelby wanted to be mad but she knew she was wrong for
leaving her clothes on the floor. More importantly, once she calmed
down, she knew it was wrong to yell at her Mom and stomp out. Now Shelby has a very clear understanding of what will happen if she does either of those things again. She also now has additional obligations at home. She isn’t happy with any of i,t but it is pretty hard to argue with. Her Mom did not leave arguing as an option.
In these two examples you have a simple
behavior escalating to a significant behavior that is then reacted to
and a bad result occurs. In the first example, there is no learning.
Instead there is a misdirected projection of anger to her Mom because
she embarrassed Shelby in front of her friends. The second example was
actually much more severe but at the same time it was fair. It was also
very clear and purposeful and there would be no surprises.
Punishment is absolutely part of the behavior change process,
but punishment is not discipline.
Discipline
is the process of making necessary rules, communicating those rules to
the kids, predetermining the consequence for those rules being broken,
communicating those consequences to the kids, and thenconsistently applying the rules and the consequences each and every time.
Punishment is an effective and essential
part of the behavior change process, but is not effective nor
purposeful when it is given without forethought, given out of anger or
frustration, or when it is given to inflict some pain on the kid that is
causing you grief. Punishment is necessary but it is never
compassionate when it is given without the kid understanding why. Punishment without a discipline plan is not a change agent, it is just revenge.
As a psychologist, I am often asked how to help little ones understand and deal with loss. How do you help your child, adolescent, teen, and even yourself deal with the loss of a loved one?
From a family pet to a family member, death is one of the most
difficult things for a parent to help a child through because they are
often trying to get through it themselves. This isn’t a fun topic but it
is one worth discussing. I hope these words help a little during the
difficult days.
“I answer the heroic question, “Death, where is thy sting?†with “It is here in my heart and mind and memories†– Maya Angelou
When a loss occurs we go through the
stages of grief. We will be angry and then move onto rationalizing and
even self bargaining in an effort to minimize the pain. We then move
into acceptance and on into full grief. Sometimes we get stuck on one of
these steps and cannot move past the pain until we allow ourselves to
fully grieve. We think that if we break down and cry then we are not
being strong, but in truth giving into your emotions and allowing yourself to feel the pain of a loss begins the cathartic step of acceptance.
It will continue to hurt but it will hurt from a standpoint of loss,
not internal conflict. These are difficult emotional waypoints for an
adult. What about a child?
“Always remember, the pain now is part of the joy then.†– C.S. Lewis
Often times a parent will try to shelter
or minimize the pain of a loss for their child by diverting attention
away from the person lost and keeping the loss on the periphery of the
child’s consciousness. We do this by changing the subject or giving
answers that semi-allude to the absence of the person without truly
disclosing the finality of the absence. It is important to understand
that mixed messages can be difficult for little ones as well as the
parent. It truly is difficult to think about taking your 6-year-old and telling them that a loved one won’t be coming over any more.
It isn’t much easier to think about sitting across the table from your
16-year-old and telling them that a person they love won’t be there
again. But it is a message that needs to be told because little ones and
children and teens need the opportunity to move through the conflict of
loss and move to the cathartic spiritual acceptance that comes with
truly grieving.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in
our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a
deaf worldâ€. – C.S. Lewis
I am guessing some of you are thinking
that it would be cruel to tell a child about the death of a loved one
and if done in a cruel fashion, it would be. However, loss is a part of
life and it is a fact of life that must be felt and thought about and
discussed in order to begin to understand it and deal with it. Little ones need the opportunity to miss their loved one and express their loss and even grieve in order to begin to move on.
When that opportunity is taken from them out of fear of causing more
pain what happens is the progression to true grieving is impeded and
becomes more complicated because of the internal struggles of not
understanding what is happening and feeling they cannot ask questions
because their questions are met with cryptic or veiled answers. Little ones can be remarkably perceptive when direct questions are met with obfuscation.
This is why it is important to sit down with your little ones and explain loss in terms of life.
Affirm for your children that losing someone they love is going to hurt and they should hurt.
Affirm for them that it is ok to cry and let them know that you have shed tears yourself.
Let them know that it is OK to miss the
loved one and that you miss them. Then help them foment their memories
of the loved one by talking about them. Don’t
try to hide from the memories of a loved one, because that will create
internal barriers for children that will make coping even more
difficult. Instead, share funny stories and stories of heroics and love and happy memories.
Yes, it will make you cry. And no, it won’t be easy.
But you need those memories in order to
validate your pain, and your child needs those memories in order to
understand why they are hurting but more importantly that it is OK to
hold onto those memories. They need to know that their memories are worth cherishing.
This will make the short term loss a little more intense but it will
make the long-term loss one that is bound to the memories of happiness
and blessing.
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone†– Harriet Beecher Stowe
Older children and teens often have even more difficulty dealing with loss because they have the perspective of presence. They understand the permanence of loss and they understand the unsaid words and the misplaced deeds.
It is very important that parents sit down with their preteens and
teens and talk about the loss and talk about their relationship with
that person. They need to express their pain and understand that you are
dealing with the pain as well. Your
children can be a source of strength for you, because they will want to
protect you as you grieve just as you are protecting them.
Together, that protection can help both of you move from the
rationalizing and bargaining and anger to the acceptance of loss and
finally into true grieving.
The loss of a loved one is one of life’s
cruelest lessons but when the lesson is learned within the context of a
family then the cruelty of the lesson is turned into the beauty of
unbreakable memories. Crying with your children and letting them see the emotional vulnerability of loss does not make you weak.
Instead it shows your children that loss hurts and it is OK to hurt. It
shows them that grieving is necessary and that it should be done
together. It will show them your strength in the understanding of the
need to grieve.
Help yourself by being strong enough to grieve.
Help your children by being strong enough to allow them to see you grieve.
Help your family by grieving together
and turning the pain of grief into the bonding of memories. And then use
this incredible life experience as an affirmation that though life is
frail, every day is an opportunity. Remind them that the sun will come
up tomorrow and they will have the opportunity to be everything they
want to be. Loss is a part of life. Embrace the lesson and allow
yourself to hurt. Embrace the lesson and lead your family into and through grief.
…And then embrace the lesson and remind them that life is still occurring and they need to make every minute count.
“Live today as if you were to die tomorrow.” – Ghandi
Some kids have good days and bad
days. Chad seems to have good days and mad days. He has days when he
wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and stays there. And today is one
of those days. Everything is irritating Chad today. He doesn’t want to
be in school. He doesn’t want to have to talk to people in class. He
doesn’t want to walk the hallways in between classes. Today is definitely a mad day.
The second period bell rings and Chad
heads straight for the door, wanting to be the first one out into the
hallway and away from class. Just as he nears the door, Leon steps in
front of him. This aggravates Chad, but when Leon stops by the door to
yell at a friend and he blocks the doorway… Chad becomes livid. He
gives Leon a push from behind and squeezes through and heads to his
locker. Leon follows Chad for a few steps and finally says, “Hey man,
what’s your problem?†Leon wasn’t aggressive in his questioning or even
particularly confrontational. He was genuinely curious if there was a
problem.
Chad was already in a foul mood. He
didn’t feel like messing with anyone, and now Leon had blocked his way
out of the class, rudely blocked the door while he talked, and now he
dared to question him and ask him if he had a problem. Chad’s temper
boiled over and he pushed Leon and yelled, “You’re my problem!†Stunned
by the push Leon stood there for a moment as a crowd of kids gathered
around and before he could respond, Chad pushed him again. Leon yelled
for Chad to back off, but before he could get the last phrase out Chad
was trying to tackle him. Luckily, Mr. Ford stepped in before Chad could
take Leon to the floor and he quickly ushered the two boys to the
principal’s office. Both promptly received In-School-Suspension. Now
Chad was really seething. He turned to Leon and whispered, “Wait until
after schoolâ€.
Chad is the aggressor.
Chad is the one who started the trouble and he is the one who escalated
it. Chad is the one who should have been punished but that isn’t the
way our school discipline system tends to work. In the name of fairness
and zero tolerance for aggression, we sometimes take a “baby with the
bathwater†approach and everyone involved is subject to punishment (note
that I didn’t say discipline). In the scenario above, Chad is much more
at fault but Leon made some mistakes as well.
However, the one-size-fits-all system of accountability just taught both boys a lesson.
Let’s see what it taught them…
Leon can’t believe he is in ISS. His
mom is going to be so mad! As he sits in his isolated desk he thinks
about what just happened. He wished he had reacted quicker to Chad’s
aggression. He is embarrassed by his own lack of response. He is also
still puzzled at why Chad got so mad. But now he is also worried because
Chad made it really clear that the problem wasn’t over and that he was
going to find him after school. Leon is sitting by himself worried and confused.
What has Leon learned?
He’s learned that the system isn’t fair and he does not think he should be in trouble.
He is also convinced that the school doesn’t care, because he is
now worried that Chad is going to try to find him after school and
finish what he started.
In other words, Leon hasn’t really learned anything by the
consequence he received because it wasn’t really targeted at him, it
didn’t fit his involvement in the hallway issue, and his role – as the
recipient of the aggression – was penalized just as much as the
aggressor.
What has Leon learned? That this isn’t fair.
Now Chad is seething. Sitting at this
stupid desk, all he can see is Leon getting in the way and then
questioning him. Now he is in ISS and it is all Leon’s fault. Chad sees
Leon every day so he knows the way he walks home from school. Chad has
his mind made up that he is going to follow Leon until they are away
from the school building and then he is going to finish what he started.
He is going to teach Leon some manners.
What has Chad learned?
Chad learned a very simple yet unintended lesson.
Chad learned that if you are going to fight with another student then don’t do it in the hallway.
There are teachers in the hallway. Instead, wait until after school
where there are no teachers and then pick the fight. No one will be
around to stop it!
Not exactly a good result for either boy, is it?
You may think to yourself that this isn’t realistic, but I would
challenge that assertion and say that this is exactly how our school
discipline system affects many kids day in and day out. Stop for a
minute and think about how the world has changed since you were in
school. Think about cell phones and their advances. Think about cars and
televisions and music and travel. The world has changed tremendously in
the last several years.
Now think about school discipline…
Other than teachers not spanking, how is it different today than it was 30 years ago?
How has school discipline changed to adjust to the fact that so many more kids are coming from broken homes?
How has it changed to adjust to the fact that kids today are subjected to a greater deluge of violence and profanity through easily accessed social mediums?
How has it changed to reflect the individual needs of our kids today rather than the blanket of discipline that has been applied for many years in this institutionalized setting?
The
real issue here is that schools, as an institution, have maintained the
philosophy that accountability by punishment is discipline. This
philosophy believes that behaviors can be changed by the application of
consequences on a consistent basis. This contention is wrong. I could
sugar coat it and say that it will work sometimes, but I can tell you
that one-size-fits-all behavior change is not going to be the change agent our schools and our students need.
This approach to punishment as discipline is inherently flawed because
it leaves out the single most important component of truly changing
behaviors. It leaves out the DRO.
In the previous weeks we talked about
the DRI (Differential Reinforcement of Inappropriate behaviors). The DRI
is the consequence. It is the ISS in the story above. DRI is needed to change behaviors but it cannot be the endgame of your plan.
That is tantamount to saying we as a society are going stop
immunizations but we will treat problems as they arise. See the flaw in
the logic? When a behavior change plan is lacking the DRO then the hole
is too big to overcome.
In other words, it is pulling your head
out of the sand and realizing that sticking your finger into the leak in
the dam will only hold back the water until the pressure builds and the
leak spouts somewhere else. If you
punish a behavior without teaching a better way to behave, then you have
just delayed the inevitable which is that that behavior will reoccur in
a new form and likely at a more significant level.
Think about the story of Chad and Leon.
What was Leon taught? That they system isn’t fair and that he can’t
trust it. What was Chad taught? Not to fight where teachers are present
and instead to wait until no one is there to stop him. Not exactly good
lessons, huh?
How would it be different if Leon
was taught group-based manners and how to interact with a group and
realize when his actions, like blocking the door for the entire class,
are discourteous? How would it be different for Leon
if he learned how to recognize anger and how to communicate with
someone when they are angry to keep the anger from escalating? How would it be different for Leon
if he were taught how to communicate more effectively with a person in a
position of authority so that, say, if he is unjustly accused of
something, he would have the confidence to say so?
For Chad, how would it be different if the teachers knew about his susceptibility to anger and his strong mood swings between good days and mad days? How would it be different
if, by knowing these things, Chad had been in a small group learning
how to recognize his bad moods and how to control himself? How would it have been different
if Chad had been in proactive training helping him cope with the
situations at home that are leading to him coming to school in such a
foul mood? How would things be different if Chad were taught personal accountability and realized that Leon wasn’t the problem this morning, he was?
And here’s the real kicker – you don’t have to wait for bad behaviors to occur to begin changing them! You can replace existing and potential bad behaviors by teaching and expecting replacement behaviors. The DRO is the key to truly changing the way kids act and the way they behave.
Next week we will talk about how to use this key to unlock true behavior change!
This afternoon I was watching my son
Hunter crush the baseball at batting practice. As I watched him, I was
amazed at how much he has grown up and how mature he is becoming.
Besides being very athletically gifted, at 14, he practices being a
gentleman and genuinely works on using good manners and being the type
of person that makes a Dad proud. Don’t get me wrong, he can still be a
big-time goofball. He is 14 after all. But as I sat watching Hunter I began thinking about all the times this boy made me laugh.
And aside from swelling with pride when he holds the door open for
others and is the first to jump up and offer to help, his ability to
make me laugh has been one of my life’s great blessings. As I was
watching him at practice I became nostalgic and remembered this:
*****
When Hunter was two he was beyond energetic.
He was precocious and had a motor that kept his mouth engaged at all
times. He spoke quicker than an auctioneer and most of his sentences
began with a why, what, how, or where. He was usually less interested in
the actual answer than in the opportunity to ask 3 more questions
before you could answer the first.
It’s almost Christmas and Hunter is walking onto the stage with the rest of his “Mother’s Day Out†classmates.
The Mother’s Day Out program is just what it sounds like. It is an
acknowledgement that mothers have to get away and have to get out. It’s
an acknowledgement that Mothers have to talk to someone who doesn’t
answer every question with the word “whyâ€. The Mother’s Day Out program
is the bridge my wife uses to maintain her sanity and keep in touch with
the real world. Two mornings per week she gets four hours of peace. For
two blissful mornings she doesn’t have to wipe anyone’s backsides or
pull rocks out of anyone’s nose.
The group of two-year olds from the
“Turtle†class, my son’s class, is about to sing their rendition of
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” for camera-toting parents and adoring
grandparents. Hunter and his classmates have been working for weeks on
singing the song, staying on stage without running in fear, making it
all of the way to the end of the song without putting their fingers in
their nose or having to take a potty break. Generally the real goal is
just showing up and proving to Mom and Dad that they have the most
talented two year old on the face of the earth. The stage is set up as Noah’s Ark and the kids are ready.
As the music begins, Hunter picks up his
bells and rings them almost in time with the song that is being piped
in over the p.a. system. Cameras everywhere are clicking as 8
two-year-olds ring their bells and sing the words they remember to
Rudolph. Parents are smiling at each other in approval and the music
teacher, in a clear sweat, is praying that the song ends peacefully and
quickly.
About
half way through the song Hunter has lost interest in singing and has
already figured out that he can’t fit the bell into his nose, ear, or
any other available orifice and is now taking in his surroundings. He
looks around and realizes that he is standing in the middle of the
stage. He also sees that in front of him, just below eye level, is a microphone.
There is a moment when you can actually see his little brain kick into
gear when he realizes he could control the microphone. As I zoom the
camera in on Hunter you can hear me begin to laugh because I know what
is coming. At one point you can actually hear me daring him to pick up the microphone and sing. My wife also sees the look in Hunter’s eye and as I glance at her I can see she is already planning her escape route.
Hunter has an older sister who owns a karaoke machine and he knows exactly what the microphone is and what to do with it. Without hesitation and with an unearthly gleam in his eye, Hunter reaches for and grabs the microphone.
By this time I’m having a hard time holding the video camera still
because I’m laughing so hard. My laughter comes from a combination of
glee for my son and the hilarity of watching my wife try to curl up into
the fetal position under the church pew.
As the P.A. system continues to play
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer a new voice is heard over the bells and
over the music. Smiles from parents start turning into gut-laughs as 7
two-year olds are all turned looking at Hunter as he sings his own
version of Rudolph into the microphone. And Hunter’s version doesn’t
necessarily go with the original version. Although barely discernible,
you can hear the name Rudolph so you know he is singing the right song,
he sings at the top of his lungs and even throws in a few hip gyrations
for effect during the “Ho..Ho..Ho†sequence. And
since Hunter hadn’t memorized the entire song, when it got to a part he
didn’t know he just made it up… and usually when Hunter makes
something up it involves the word “poopâ€. You can
imagine that by this point my wife is watching from the floor underneath
the pew where she is praying for a power failure.
As the other children watch Hunter and
an auditorium full of parents laugh and try to coax their little ones
into continuing to sing, Hunter’s Mom ducks her head and prays that he
will put the microphone down and just act like the other kids. On the
other hand, I am laughing so hard I have given up on focusing the video
camera and there is not a hint of embarrassment in me. I couldn’t be
prouder. Hunter finishes his song and looks down upon an adoring
audience who give him a standing ovation. Mom is mortified, I’m bursting with pride, and Hunter knows he has gotten away with something. He stops and takes a deep bow as he exits the stage.
This one instance proved to me the
undeniable difference between Mom and Dad. Mom was looking forward to
the Christmas pageant and had bought Hunter matching pants and sweater
with a Christmas theme. She talked it up to Hunter as a great event that
would be such great fun. She was genuinely looking forward to seeing a
bunch of kids sing bad Christmas songs.
I
whined all the way to the program because I was pretty sure that there
was a good game on that night somewhere. When the events unfolded Mom’s
excitement turned to horror. Hunter did something that broke the rules
and drew unplanned attention to him, and ultimately to her, because as
Hunter was singing every other mom in the place tried to make eye
contact with my wife. And when eye contact was made they feigned
sympathy and then turned to their husbands with that “see I told you soâ€
look.
I, on the other hand, could not have been happier. Hunter took a boring song, in the middle of a boring Christmas program, and he spiced it up.
Not only was I not bored, I was the envy of all the other Dads. My son
was the rebel. He was the non-conformist. He exhibited bravery. He was
the conqueror of the dreaded Christmas program.
On the way home my wife blamed me for
Hunter’s behavior. She said that I was the reason he had taken over the
program. She said I was the reason that “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeerâ€
was not given its proper due. And I took that as a compliment. My son! The Rebel! The Hit of the Show! The Leader!
*****
I watched Hunter hit another fastball
deep into left field. He turned and looked at me for approval. It was
the same look he had thrown my way 12 years ago. He is such a good kid.
But then again, my son is one of the blessed ones because he has a mom
and a dad who tell him that he is good every day. He has a family unit
that provides the shelter in the storm of life. So many kids don’t have
that emotional safety net. So today, challenge yourself to remember and laugh at the fun times with your kids and your students.
Then challenge yourself to build up someone who doesn’t have a mom and a
dad at home telling them they are the best person on earth. Every kid
needs someone to tell them they are special – because they truly are.
