It is the story of an elderly man who was simply eating a hamburger at the local “In and Out†burger shop. At first glance, he is sitting by himself simply eating his burger. But a closer look shows that he has a picture on his table. It is an old picture of a relatively younger lady, and the picture is facing him. One of the restaurant patrons decided to walk over and ask about the photo, and comes to find out the man was not eating alone. He was eating with the photo, and more importantly, the memory of his deceased wife.
A conversation reveals that the love of his life had passed away 5 years ago after 55 years together as husband and wife. The story is sweet and it is heartbreaking, and it is one that plays out like a beautiful love story, even if the love is now within the memories of the mind. But look a little closer. This is a story that also demonstrates an elderly man’s unbreakable bond to a woman he spent his life lifting up as his partner, his mate, and one of the primary reasons his life had meaning.
That is a beautiful story. But there is another story as well. There is the story of a young man who sees this elderly man, sees the picture and takes the time
to ask about the picture and hear the man’s story. The story within the story is that this beautifully tragic tale of love, loss and loneliness, and now the sharing of the story is happening because this young man takes the time to notice. He takes the time to ask. And then, most importantly, he takes the time to listen.
Have you ever looked around and seen someone who was alone?
Have you ever been in a restaurant and seen someone eating alone or been to a park and seen someone sitting alone? Have you ever noticed elderly folks who are watching life alone rather than experiencing it with someone? The story of the man who eats with his wife’s memory and photo every evening is a heartwarming tale, but I wonder how much he enjoyed being able to talk about his lovely wife and share the story of how they met and passionately affirmed how his love will never end. What a great story and what a shame it would be if someone had not asked about it and heard it and shared it. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of people around me. Whether in an airport or in the stands for a football game or just taking a walk through the park, there are people everywhere. For many years I led the “live and let liveâ€Â style of life which meant you go your way and I will go mine. But something changed the way I see that person sitting alone, especially if that person is elderly.
When my Papa had a stroke and lost the ability to effectively communicate, I watched as the people around him pulled away because they could not understand him. I watched as his symptoms put up barriers that most people were too uncomfortable trying to overcome. The sadness this created for my Papa was almost as debilitating as the stroke. When I realized what was happening, I started calling a couple of times a week and I would take the time to ask him a question or two, then I would sit back as he let a week’s worth of pent up communication frustrations com gushing out. In truth, I could not understand most of what he was saying, and he was not looking for me to provide any sort of wisdom or even feedback. He just needed someone to take a little time and listen.
He needed someone to take the time to affirm that he had a voice, it would be heard, and it was worth spending a few minutes to listen to. Since that time, I have started noticing the person who is alone. What I have learned is that sometimes the traveler wants to be alone, but I have never had anyone react to a friendly “Hello. How are you?†in a negative manner. In fact, I have heard some great stories. I have heard some long and boring stories. I have seen smiles and I have even seen some tears. But the one thing I have seen every time is a smile. Someone listened. Someone heard. Someone took a little time. And when someone take the time and listens to you and affirms your worth, then you have to smile. In my last blog post I challenged you to just be nice. The challenge was to give nice a real effort and a real try.
Please accept this challenge and take it one step farther. Find the elderly person or even the younger person who is alone and take the time to say hello. Ask them how they are doing. Strike up a conversation and then prepare yourself to be the listener. Yes, this will cost you 5-10 minutes. Yes, you are taking the chance that they tell you to go away. And yes, you are possibly opening yourself up to someone who will talk your ear off. But you are also taking a chance on hearing some beautiful story. You are taking the chance to hear of a life’s adventures as that life nears its fulfillment. And yes, you are taking the chance of making someone feel affirmed and worthy and alive.
Memories can be a beautiful thing but when all you have are memories then the present can be very lonely. There are just too many people in this world for anyone to have to feel alone. Maybe we can take nice, add listening to it and make loneliness a lot less consuming. Who knows, maybe you will hear the next story that brings tears to the eyes of millions of people who click to read of the man who dines with his wife’s memories. Someone needs to dig for that gold and then share that story. And all it takes is a simple, “Hello. How are you?â€
He is a big guy yet it seems like his shoulder width expands even more as he walks near guys smaller than him. His surly disposition is the only warning for people to get out of his way or else get bumped, pushed, or just plain shoved out of the way. Randy loves seeing people have to turn sideways or duck out of the way. Everyone knows when Randy is in the room.
Jessie talks and she talks.
She talks in the hallways and she talks in the cafeteria and she really talks in class. Jessie can’t stop talking. Ever. She isn’t saying anything inappropriate but she just doesn’t turn it off. In a morning assembly she was removed because she couldn’t be quiet. She has been in the office way too many times for the ridiculous offense of talking…and talking…and talking.
Becca makes good grades.
She turns her homework in on time, takes notes when the teachers are talking, never interrupts the teacher, or anyone else for that matter. Becca seems to disappear quickly into the crowd and reappear in her seat in the classroom where she quickly buries herself in her homework, avoiding eye contact with anyone near her. Becca is pretty sure that no one in her classes even knows her name.
Randy is the school bully. Jessie is the school motor-mouth. Becca is a teacher’s dream student.
These kids seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum. One is anti-social. One is hyper-social. And one is non-social. So which kid needs help?
Randy obviously needs help. I don’t need to quote the stats to you, but about 77% of all kids feeling bullied and less than 15% get help. I don’t need to remind you of your personal experiences with the school bully in the hallway of your school so many years ago. Everyone knows the bully needs help, and now there are regulatory initiatives demanding social, emotional and behavioral help for that bully.
Jessie also obviously needs help. Her constant interruptions warrant a Behavior Improvement Plan and a placement in a Tier 2 small group for behavior change. Jessie, like so many other teenagers, needs to learn when and where to talk. Jessie also has a very frustrated teacher who will make sure Jessie gets some help if for no other reason than to get her out of her hair for a little bit. Do you know how hard it is to teach 22 kids when one of them will not stop talking??
What about Becca? She makes good grades so she is good, right? She doesn’t talk or interrupt or act up in class so she is good, right? She does her homework and is compliant and doesn’t start any trouble so she is good, right?
Becca is the one on the list that worries me the most.Randy will get help. His behaviors coupled with a well-deserved emphasis on bullying will make sure Randy’s behaviors are addressed. Jessie is also going to get help in the form of behavior training because her teachers need her to learn how to be in the class without disrupting. Again, this is well-deserved attention, and Jessie needs it and will get it.
But what about Becca? Becca seemingly floats through the day never stepping on the toes of her fellow students or her teachers or leaving an imprint of any kind. What about Becca?
Becca needs help. Randy and Jessie are going to get help – their behaviors demand it. Becca’s behaviors actually make her a model student in many ways. But Becca isn’t a model of emotional stability. Do you know how much it hurts to walk a hallway crowded with peers and no one notices you? Do you know the fear that grips your insides when the teacher asks for a volunteer to answer a question and you strain to avoid eye contact while not be so suspicious as to draw attention? Do you know the longing for a conversation when you hear them all around but the anxiety that comes when someone actually speaks.
There are a lot of Randy’s and Jessie’s and they will get help. There are also far too many Becca’s who are going through life unnoticed. A lack of bad behaviors does not mean that a student is not behaviorally involved. Becca is just as behaviorally symptomatic as Randy and Jessie, but she won’t get help. She isn’t doing anything to be noticed. Kids tearing the school apart and disrupting classes and bullying get noticed. Shy doesn’t get noticed. Quiet isn’t a criteria for help.
But do you know how much happier Becca would be if she could learn how to make a friend? Do you know how much more she could learn if she were taught the courage to raise her hand and ask for help? Do you know what a more fulfilled life she would lead if someone invested the time to teach her self esteem? Becca is very behaviorally involved. Becca’s problem is that her behaviors aren’t hurting anyone but her, so Becca doesn’t get noticed.
Over the last couple of posts, I have shared with you stories and challenges about being nice and listening. Last week the challenge was to find an elderly person and listen to their stories and hear of their life. What a blessing to give someone the gift of a listening ear for a few minutes!
Today let me challenge you to now look the other direction. Who are the students in your class that need to be heard? Who are the Beccas in your world that are trying not to be noticed but wished with every fiber of their being they were worthy of being noteworthy. What child or adolescent or teen is in your life but if they weren’t you wouldn’t really notice? Take a few moments now to notice them. Notice if they are ok. Notice if they are too shy to be heard. Notice if they need someone to see them and hear them and know they exist. Then notice how noticing can lift the eyes of a child who tends to stare down at his desk. Lift those eyes by giving them the healing of attention and the balm of self-worth.
Art Linkletter once said, “Kids say the darndest things.†But first he had to talk to them and ask.
As I smiled and said, “Great!†to my little girl, the voice inside my head responded with a resounding, “Ugh!!â€
It is November, and that means it is Science Fair time for my 10-year-old daughter. She came bounding in with the list of requirements, do’s and don’ts. “Isn’t it exciting Daddy?!†she said as we read through the never ending list of requirements. That voice inside my head was running a sound track that was balancing the enthusiasm of my daughter with an ongoing diatribe of negativity. “This will take forever!†“Not again!†and, “Didn’t we almost blow up the back porch with that volcano last year?â€
I smiled and told my daughter, “Great!†while fighting those voices that were going in quite the opposite direction. “What can we do Daddy?â€
I must admit that in the years past we have had some Science Fair doozies. We have built a full scale catapult that launched a watermelon nearly 50 yards (the teacher didn’t believe that my then 10-year-old son did most of the work for some reason). We have built a hydroponic garden. We have done some cool things. But they were all a LOT of work.
“What can we do Daddy?†Again, that question. Are Daddies really supposed to have that answer readily on file for everything? Even Science Fair projects? Well, today Daddy didn’t have an answer, so Daddy gave the answer that all Daddies that don’t have an answer give – “Let’s go look on YouTubeâ€.
I typed in “Science Project Ideas for 4th Graders 
Abbie, my 10-year-old, and I ended up watching YouTube videos for nearly an hour. We laughed at some of the silly things people did. We ooh-ed and aahh-ed over some of the really cool things people did. We found this guy who calls himself the “Crazy Russian Scientist†and watched nearly 20 things that he did with dry ice. We had a blast. In fact, I think my enthusiasm for playing with dry ice or building a homemade lava lamp or maybe building a catapult that could launch a watermelon the length of a football field was surpassing even my daughter’s enthusiasm.
After my wife wisely said “NO†to the catapult (we are still working through issues that the last one created), my daughter and I decided on the homemade lava lamp. It is so cool with incandescent colors and it is powered by the chemical reactions of different liquids and their varying viscosities. In other words, Daddy is starting to have fun with the Science Fair idea. For almost a week my daughter comes in wanting to work on the Science Fair project and I have already beat her to it. It is set up and ready for work to commence. This lava lamp is going to be awesome and won’t my wife be surprised with her Christmas present this year!
As I watched my daughter jump out of the car and skip to the school building this morning I had to ask myself, “What changed?†Why was I excited about this science fair project when my initial reaction was a resounding “UGH!!?†I thought about this for a while. I always had fun with the kids when we build things together and we discover together. I love spending the time with them and goodness knows it is a better way to spend time than staring at the television each evening. As I pondered this, it really bothered me that my first reaction was negative. My first reaction was all about the aggravation of the time commitment and the dreading of another item on the schedule and the process of reading the rules and the seeming drudgery of one more thing to do.
But I know what changed.
It wasn’t my daughter. It wasn’t the rules of the science project. It wasn’t my attitude towards my kids. We spend our evenings together playing games and watching shows and reading. No, what changed was my attitude and my priorities. But what was so interesting is that these things changed because I rediscovered something inside myself. Watching those videos and seeing my daughter’s enthusiasm and then getting excited myself about creating and exploring changed my attitude from “one more thing†to “this could be really cool!†In other words, the excitement of learning and exploring and asking and trying reignited inside me.
I have heard many teachers say that they struggle with some students because the students just don’t care whether they learn or not. They don’t care whether then pass or not. In fact, “I don’t care†seems to be the mantra for many of our students. They walk the hall with their eyes pointed towards the floor. They don’t turn in their homework. They doodle instead of taking notes. They just don’t seem interested in learning. Do you know these kids?
Think about these kids. Now think about Kindergarten. Whether taking your own child or observing a class or just some random experience of seeing a group of kindergartners, think about these little 5- and 6-year-olds. These kids come into school scared and excited and worried and fearful and exhilarated and stressed. They start their first day of school with an anticipation that is only matched by the excitement of exploring this newfound responsibility and independence. They are excited about everything from their new lunchbox to their first recess. They light up like a candle when they read and write their first words. They think the songs they sing as a choir are the most compelling musical pieces ever written, and they prove it by singing those songs over and over and over to their parents. In other words, I have never seen a kindergartener show up on the first day of school and say, “I don’t care!†I have never heard of a kindergartener starting the countdown until he or she is old enough to drop out of school.
So when does it happen? When does that excitement turn to dread? When does that anticipation turn to malaise? When does learning become drudgery rather than a joy? We often ask the when question but I think the one we should be asking is the why question. Why does learning lose its luster?
If truth be told, learning never truly loses its luster.
However, measurement does. The reason kindergarteners do not say “I don’t care if I pass or fail†is because they have no experience doing either one. The reason they get so excited when they read their first word is because it is a discovery and an accomplishment. The reason that 7 years later they dread reading that book and writing a report is because it is now a measurement; and when you are measured and you constantly come up short it becomes much safer to say “I don’t care†than it is to care and continually fail.
Not caring is a defense mechanism, and when it is applied to school it has nothing to do with learning. It has everything to do with the purpose of learning. If the sole purpose of learning is measurement, there will be lots of kids who end up in the “I don’t care†space, because they aren’t going to measure up. If the purpose of the learning is to spark curiosity and explore new and exciting things and encourage the question rather than calling for complete silence, then you will probably be bringing most of the students along for this journey.
I am a huge believer in accountability, and grades are essential for education. But teaching to a test and preparing for a grade is not the same as teaching to learn and teaching to question and loving the process of questioning and exploring and discovering.
I have heard many teachers say they have reached the point of not caring themselves. When I ask them why what I usually hear is that their students just don’t care and it has drained their enthusiasm. It has squelched that desire to teach. It has turned teaching into a routine rather than a journey. It has made them tired.
When I ask them why they became a teacher to begin with I hear very similar answers. Those answers never revolve around having the summers off or having a steady job or any of the other reasons those outside of education think teachers choose to teach. What I hear is, “I love to teach†and “I love to see a kid get it for the first time†and “It is all I have ever wanted to doâ€.
I fear that between testing and standards and core competencies and all the other mechanisms we use to measure proficiency, we may have deterred the most important. In order for learning to thrive there must be enthusiasm. In order for enthusiasm to exist there must be ideas. Ideas need questions in order to foment into hypotheses. Questions need questioners who are thinking critically and are given the ability to question. Then those questions need guidance and structure so that answers can be found through exploration and discovery. In other words, learning needs to be our daily science project. Learning needs excited learners and enthusiastic teachers. Neither of those can be accomplished when learning is unevenly yoked to measuring.
Why did I get so enthusiastic about those YouTube videos and my daughter’s 4th grade science fair? Because I saw things I did not know before and I wanted to try them. I heard things I had not heard before and I wanted to test them. I wanted to explore and question and discover. More importantly, I wanted my daughter to explore and question and discover. And isn’t that what our classrooms are supposed to be about? Why do we learn to read? Because when we can read it opens our world up far beyond our physical boundaries. Why do we learn to write? Because when we can write we can communicate in ways that speaking will never afford. Why do we learn mathematics? Because everyday life is built on the equations of survival and opportunities to thrive.
Why do we lose our enthusiasm for these subjects? Because somewhere along the way we forget about the journey.
We forget to explore and ask questions and discover. Somewhere along the way, the process overtakes the purpose and it becomes an assignment rather than an enthusiasm. Watching my daughter’s eyes light up as we built that silly little lava lamp gave me the happiest moments I have had in a while. Watching her explore and learn sparked my enthusiasm for helping her. I can only imagine what it would do for the classroom teacher if they had the opportunity to help their kids explore and question and discover, not just teach them to simply remember. Learning isn’t simply recalling; learning is knowing what to do with it. And more often than not, the best thing to do with recalled knowledge is to question it and begin the journey of discovery all over again.
It
is so hard to believe that Thanksgiving is upon us. Even though the
weather turned cold and the days have definitely gotten shorter, it just
hasn’t quite felt like the holiday season yet. But I am not worried.
Between long-basting a ham and the smell of stuffing and turkey and pies
and the sound of football and family – the holidays are almost here.
It would be very easy to spend my time
today writing about all that I have to be thankful for. After all, I am
married to a wonderful woman, we have 3 healthy kids who are the center
of our world and who we adore (because they are all very adorable). We
live in Austin, which is one of the best cities in the greatest nation
on this planet. We have a faith that gives us hope and a love that
sustains when times seem difficult. I have MUCH to be thankful for. But I want to think about something a little different that deserves our thanks.
With each year that passes, I am seeing
more and more clearly that the things in this life that really matter
are not measured in dollar signs or in social standing. The accomplishments that make me smile have nothing to do with fiscal attainment or back-pats from other people. In fact, the things that really make me smile don’t even belong to me.
I actually challenged myself to keep
track of things that made me happy this past week and to make a Top 10
list of those things that made me smile or laugh. I challenged myself to
really pay attention to the things that made me truly happy. Here’s my
top 10 list:
My oldest daughter sank 2 free throws
with 3 seconds left to ice the game last night. It could have been the
MVP of the Superbowl, World Series, and NBA Finals all in the same year
and I could not have been happier than I was at the end of that
preseason girls basketball game in the BCS gymnasium played in front of
about 100 people.
My youngest daughter met Jon Godwin
from Duck Dynasty and got his autograph. Watching her light up and smile
and act shy and then talk to him really made me smile.
During church on Sunday we sang “How
Great Thou Art†and it was one of those moments when I was singing and I
closed my eyes and I felt true peace. It wasn’t the quality of the
singing or any new revelations from an old song. It was just a moment
when I felt complete in my faith and it mattered to me.
I laughed out loud during last week’s 200th episode of “Supernaturalâ€. It was silly. It was goofy. And I laughed. Is there anything better then a surprise laugh?
Saturday my wife and I were getting
ready for a fundraiser for our school and she told me that she was proud
of me. Just a few simple words and I was walking on air.
My son aced his English test. He had
been struggling for a few weeks and he really studied and he did it. He
had a look and tone of pride that was exceeded only by mine.
My 4 year old nephew stays with us
most weekends and he demonstrated his version of “twerking†for us. I
thought I was going to hurt myself I laughed so hard. Good grief, is
there anything funnier than a child?
I received an e-mail from a lady who
likes my company’s offerings and she was so complimentary and so
genuinely nice in her e-mail that it made me feel proud.
I went to lunch with a friend last
week and we tried Korean food. I ordered a pot of spicy seafood and it
was unbelievable. I ate every bite and I did not offer to share. My
afternoon that day was a little lazy but there was a smile on my face!
It turned cold here this past week
and I went out on the porch at 4:00 in the morning and sat and just
watched the leaves blowing off the trees and listened to the wind and
sat in silence for about an hour. Moments of silence, moments of
contemplation, moments of discernment are moments of gold.
So there you have it. A Top 10 list that
was kept with the intent of finding those moments and those people and
those things that bring about happiness that make me want to give
thanks. What I found were people and thoughts and emotions and
contentment. Oddly, none of my moments brought me wealth or furthered my popularity. None of my moments padded my portfolio or gave me anything tangible beyond memories and recollections.
Yet as I looked back on my list, and there were lots of other things that happened that made my list, what I realized is that I would not trade one of these moments or words or feelings or thoughts for anything.
I would not trade the pride I felt for my daughter for a new car. I
would not trade the kind words from my wife for cash. I would not trade a
moment of spiritual clarity for any level of popularity. These moments
were free of charge and free to be replicated, but none can ever be
replaced.
So this year, I am thankful that I have
the opportunity to love and be loved. I am thankful that I can be proud
of others and honestly want more for them than I do myself. I am
thankful that laughing for a moment can ease the worry of a day. I am
thankful that quiet still exists. I am thankful for not being alone. I
am thankful because I should be.
We have a week until Thanksgiving. Challenge yourself to make a list of the things that really make you happy this week. See how many are tied to material versus emotional. I am guessing your smiles will be tied to the things in life that are free.
Now that I have taken the challenge and figured out the things that are making me happy I am going to take the next step and go back to those things and, whenever possible, I am going to make sure they know they made me happy. Just think, I might end up on their list of things that made them happy!
Poliomyelitis is a disease that held a reign of terror over this nation for many years. An American president was crippled by polio. The original March of Dimes was organized to combat this terrible affliction and to help care for its victims. And if you were born before 1955, you likely recall the fear created by the presence of this horrible disease that crippled thousands of once active, healthy children. Or perhaps you remember the images of children in iron lungs.
Today, our country faces a different kind of health crisis … a different kind of epidemic.
It is a social and emotional health crisis. Children are growing up without acquiring the skills they need to develop and maintain healthy relationships, to make wise decisions and choices, and to cope effectively with the complex challenges we all face in today’s world.
As a result, America no longer has the best educational system in the world. Failing schools are a challenge everywhere. Schools and classrooms are in chaos. Teachers are frustrated. Teacher turnover is at record high levels. Far too many of our children fail to finish high school. Of those who do graduate, many of them are ill-prepared for college or for the workplace. And recent studies show that most of our dropouts are passing all their classes when they leave. And academic success forces some of our brightest children into the isolation of non-acceptance, while bullying remains commonplace.
Our economic vitality as a country is predicated upon an educated and well-prepared workforce. And yet, in America today, the income gap between rich poor continues to grow, as it has for the last four decades. That is an education problem, but it is not about traditional academics. We have great teachers who want to make a difference in the lives of their students. With the advances in technology, we have great academic tools. Yet, in far too many schools, teachers are not equipped to deal with today’s social and emotional health epidemic.
In response to the epidemic of the 50’s, American healthcare united in an unparalleled effort with America’s schools to eradicate polio. Using the miraculous vaccine developed by Jonas Salk, millions of school children and even their parents were immunized successfully. Polio was defeated! Oh, it still exists in very small numbers around the world, but today it is completely preventable.
Today’s epidemic is preventable as well, but we need another united response. Social and emotional learning must be recognized as a necessity, not an option. Some school systems have begun to realize that their students are lacking several of the basic social and emotional skills that they need to be successful in life as well as in the classroom. And we know enough now to know that when we can and do address the “whole†child – addressing social and emotional needs and not just academic needs – the results can be astounding. Studies have shown that attendance increases, problem behaviors are greatly reduced, and not at all surprisingly, classroom performance improves as well.
Our culture has changed. Communities have changed. Family support structures have changed.
Educators need new tools that will enable them to identify the social and emotional needs of their students and to then to address those needs. The tools should be comprehensive and thoroughly researched and vetted. And they need to know that the tools are working. It is a “vaccine†that our children need. Let’s do whatever it takes to get it to them.
My name is Dennis Henegar, and it has been my privilege to work with Jay Burcham for more than 20 years. And I can honestly say that I have never met anyone who has the expertise and the passion that he has for helping children succeed in life. His research into behavior and how it is directly related to one’s experiential knowledge base (maturity level – adult or child) is unprecedented. More importantly, Jay’s research has scientifically proven that the social and emotional skills that make up our experiential knowledge base can be identified, measured, and taught. And Jay and his company – The Life Excelerator – have diligently poured that knowledge into the creation of Leaps – a system of online tools and resources that enables educators to identify the social and emotional skill deficits of their students and then provides the means to address those deficits. Using Leaps has been proven to reduce problem behaviors, increase attendance, and improve classroom performance.
