This is one of my favorite times of the
year. The week surrounding the 4th of July is a time when families are
planning for cookouts and kids are getting excited about fireworks
shows, and people actually stop for a few minutes and think about this incredible experiment called The United States of America.
With so much turmoil going on around the world it is easy to become pessimistic about the future. There are so many people oppressed and poor and subjugated.
Wars seem to be raging on all fronts and human atrocities are hardly
shocking any more, because we see them on the news and read about them
online on a daily basis. We see children crossing borders alone. We see radicals killing and maiming in a proclaimed perversion of religious ideology. We see politicians arguing and manipulating all sides so that they can claim moral high-ground.
And yet we, the people, continue to go
to work every day and raise our families and strive to make life better
for our kids. With so much negative swirling in so many places and so
much hardship around the world, we Americans rise every day with the one thing that so many want but do not have – opportunity.
Sometimes we lose sight of what this great nation was founded upon and what our forefathers wanted.
In the tedium of daily life we see our hardships as difficult because
most of us live within circumstances that the rest of the world can only
dream of. Most of us eat each day and live in a sheltered home with
conditioned air and heat. We can get together with our friends and we
can worship together with our fellow believers.
We can assemble and we can protest. We have the incredible gift of liberty.
For many around this world the chance
for liberty is only a dream, but in this great land it is a given. It is
a given so much so that we can lose sight of liberty as a virtue and
begin to think that we are owed more than opportunity. We can begin to
think that this great nation should do more than protect us and provide
an environment where we are free to chase and build our opportunities.
I
had the opportunity to visit with a gentleman who manages an orphanage
in interior Mexico. My church helps to sponsor the kids, most of whom
they find on the streets. Listening to his dreams for the kids he has in
his charge and you hear a man that dreams that some day these children
will have opportunities. He dreams that someday they will be skilled enough to work and grounded enough to love and be loved. He dreams that they will have the confidence to pursue dreams along with the intellect and spirit to do the dreaming. His hope for them is that some day they will have opportunity.
With our nation’s birthday quickly
approaching, it is a great time to sit our kids down and talk about what
it is that truly makes this nation great and why we are the most
blessed people to ever live. Talk to your kids about the sacrifices that
previous and current generations of men and women have made to give
them this day. Talk about the
dream and intent of the men and women who stood up to a monarchy so many
years ago and how they dared to dream then speak and the make freedom
real. Talk about how the dreams of their forefathers
were to have a country where they could live and work and worship and
assemble and talk and grow. Talk about how those dreams have come true.
After talking for a few minutes about
how this great country came to be, tell your kids that their turn is
coming and they must approach the future with the same hope for
opportunity. They must not feel they are owed by this country but
instead, what can they do to keep this country great.
Share with them the incredible words of President John F. Kennedy when he said:
“In the
long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the
role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shank
from this responsibility — I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us
would exchange places with any other people or any other generation.
The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavour
will light our country and all who serve it — and the glow from that
fire can truly light the world.
And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.
My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man.
Finally,
whether you are citizens of America or citizens of the world, ask of us
the same high standards of strength and sacrifice which we ask of you.
With a good conscience our only sure reward, with history the final
judge of our deeds, let us go forth to lead the land we love, asking His
blessing and His help, but knowing that here on earth God’s work must
truly be our own.”
There is a lot of
discussion on the news and online, in schools and homes across the
country about whether or not having a robust and even mandatory pre-k
program in our schools is necessary. There are all kinds of statistics
pointing to the advantages of pre-k. For example, the “Chicago
Longitudinal Study†found that pre-k recipients were 29% more likely to
graduate from high school than their peers who did not attend pre-k. The
“State Efforts to Evaluate the Effects of Pre-Kindergarten†study out
of Yale found that pre-k attendees were 44% less likely to repeat grades
than their peers who did not attend pre-k.
So it is a slam dunk that we need pre-k… Right?
Every kid should go… Right?
Believe it or not, these
are not simple as yes and no answers. It would be easy to look at these
statistics and say that all 4-year-olds need to be in a
pre-kindergarten prep class. It would also be easy to infer that if our
kids all attend pre-k, our kids will be doing much better in school and
have a much better chance of academic success. But when you read these studies a little closer, you find the groups are looking at the kids who are at the highest levels of risk.
These are the kids who are the most likely recipients of special
education due to either learning and/or behavioral disorders. These are
also the kids most likely from homes that are at higher levels of risk
due to poverty and divorce.
So what… Right?
If it works, it works… Right?
We are all concerned
about the state of our schools and we all want the right answers.
Pre-kindergarten for kids may very well be one of the big “rightâ€
answers, but I think we need to approach mandating pre-k very carefully.
What is the objective?If
it is to simply accelerate our kids’ academic capacity to make
kindergarten more academic-centric, then I think we are missing the
mark. While reading and writing and doing math are the ultimate
goals of education, if they are the sole goals then the education will
never be complete. This point is even more critical in pre-k than in
primary grades.
Think about it for a
minute: Are our kids falling behind in kindergarten, first and second
grades because they cannot read and write with the necessary level of
proficiency? I thought that is what kindergarten and first and second
grades were for. No,
we have kids lagging behind and dragging their classmates behind — not
because they don’t show up for kindergarten unprepared to read — because they show up for kindergarten unprepared to socialize.
The
pre-k through early second grade years are within the “Preoperational
Stage†of the Piaget Stages of Development. During this stage, kids are
developing memory and are beginning to use their imagination to create
cohesive stories and link experiences to play. During
this stage, kids are an absolute sponge and can learn languages and
other abstract processes at an accelerated rate because it is all new
and they do not have the rules of learning yet to create boundaries that
may or may not support their learning capacity. But as
much of a sponge as these kids are, they are not yet fully capable of
learning complex processes such as cause and effect, time management,
and even comparisons. In other words, a 5-year-old might be able to
quickly learn multiple phrases in multiple languages, but doesn’t yet
realize their actions have consequences and that they therefore need to
be accountable for those actions.
I do believe in
pre-kindergarten preparation. Some kids will do great in a “Mother’s Day
Out†program coupled with a robust accountability parenting at home.
Some kids will do great at a day care and learn structure through that
time. Some kids will come from a very active home and will learn social
responsibility through their interactions with their brothers and
sisters. However, some kids will come to the first day of kindergarten not having a clue why they need to sit down when the teachers tells them to.
They won’t understand the concept of sharing, and they definitely do
not understand that taking something just because they want it is wrong.
I say all of this to say
that the reason some pre-k programs are successful is not because they
give our kids a head start in reading or adding or writing. They
are successful because they begin to help our kids understand and
conceptualize the process of socialization and the stratification of
authority and accountability. We might take it for granted that
a kid coming into kindergarten will know to obey the teacher, but why
would be take that for granted? Have you been in public lately and seen
some kids that do not obey their parents? Why then would they obey a stranger?
And when you get one or two of those kids in a classroom, then suddenly
we have kindergarten teachers teaching the basics of social
responsibility and accountability to the detriment of academics.
Now, this is not to say
that kindergarten teachers do not need to teach socialization; on the
contrary, it is vitally important. However,
they should be teaching the socialization necessary to begin learning,
not how to begin being around other kids and interacting with peers and
authority. Those are lessons kids need to come to school with a basis of understanding.
Over the next couple of weeks we will explore the pros and cons of pre-k.
As with any initiative, it can be incredibly important and successful if it is done right.
As with any initiative, it can be an absolute bust if it is done as a quick fix without the proper focus on results if it is not implemented correctly.
Pre-k can be a
difference maker, but it can also be one more grade level that is behind
from an expectations standpoint because we have kids coming into pre-k
that are not ready for the academic benchmarks of that aged group.
Let’s think boldly and out of the box on initiatives like pre-k.
Let’s look at the true
need of this age group: It isn’t to read and write and add. Those skills
will come from the very capable hands and minds and mouths of our
teachers. Instead, pre-k should be a time to focus on how to walk into a classroom and be a part of a group.
It should focus on how to listen and mind a teacher. It should focus on
how to work independently as well as part of a group. It should be
about how to play and work and sing and eat and walk and talk and run
with your classmates while still doing the tasks and work that each
individual is accountable for. Pre-k can be a game changer if we
use it as the first step in educating the whole child, not just the
part that is on the standardized test. I have had a friend tell
me once that it is much easier to teach a kid when they aren’t throwing
a chair at you. Let’s teach our kids to sit in a chair an listen as
part of the process of moving towards teaching them to read and write.
Yes, pre-k can be a difference maker. It is most likely necessary. But we have to do it right. We
have to begin realizing that the sole focus on academics alone is not
truly educating a child when that child’s behaviors keep him from
learning.
The balance of intellectual capacity and social quotient is how intelligence is measured.
We need to start nurturing whole intelligence early and often.
We need to feed intellect and social capacity hand in hand.
We have to educate the whole child. And pre-k is a great place to start.
Long days coupled with no homework make
for a recipe for fun. Whether swimming in a river or a swimming pool or
running through a sprinkler or a fire hydrant being depressurized,
summer is magical. And it is really hard to believe but summer is
halfway over already!
As we near the middle part of July and
begin looking towards preparation for back-to-school shopping, it is a
great time to take stock of your summer and begin challenging your kids
to get back into mental shape. If you have a son on the football team or
a daughter playing volleyball, you are probably encouraging them to get
out and start running and get into shape for the practices that are
likely to begin within the month. If they show up to two-a-days out of
shape they are going to be in for a world of hurt!
Have you ever stopped and thought about the need to get your kids back into mental shape for school?
After all, long days with few obligations and minimal structure can
lead to a lack of personal discipline, and then school starts and the
rigidity of the schedule coupled with the demands of the classroom kick
in. We have kids getting mental brain cramps just like the kids who
aren’t prepared physically for the start of the season. Every school
year begins with exhausted kids who have not gotten their bodies
readjusted to getting to bed on time and getting enough sleep. We have
kids who didn’t read over the summer and have gotten out of practice in
regards to reading and remembering. We have kids who have let their
eating schedule slide, and they are starving by the time lunch finally
arrives on the first day of school because at home they spent the full
morning snacking rather than eating breakfast.
Are your kids out of school-shape? If
so, now is the perfect time to begin planning for and even implementing a
back-to-school regimen. This isn’t meant to short circuit summer or
tarnish its shining star of freedom but instead it is meant to begin the
process of getting kids ready to learn again. Here are a few easy tips to begin getting your kids back into mental shape for school:
It
sounds simple but reading forces concentration but it also engages the
mind’s imagination. Reading should be a joy, and there are no better
times to read than in the heat of a summer day. Take your kids to the
library and let them find a book that excites them, and then carve out
20-30 minutes during the day and let them sit with their book and
reengage their mind.
Summer
is a great time for cookouts and sleeping past breakfast and letting
ice cream be the afternoon snack. The problem with this is that once
school starts, your kids can’t just pull out a snack any time they want.
When you begin to get within weeks of school starting it is time to
begin retraining the body for 3 meals a day, and it is also time to
begin lessening the candy and cokes. A good diet makes it much easier to prepare and maintain a good mind.
Some
parents lose sight of the fact that schools are a highly socialized
environment in which your kids are around hundreds of other kids for
hours every day. This takes getting used to. Begin making time now for
your kids to get together with groups of friends, and begin practicing
group talking and playing and cooperation. These are skills that can
become rusty when they are not practiced, and if they are too rusty when the school year begins it can make for a rocky start.
Some
kids, and even parents, treat the countdown to school as a death march.
Change this mindset and focus on the things that your kids love about
school; help them begin to look forward to being back with their
friends, learning their favorite subject, playing sports, etc. Help your
kids have a positive attitude about school so that they walk in that
first day in the right frame of mind.
Life rewards the prepared and school is no exception.
Take stock in your kids’ current mental shape and see if it is time to
begin engaging and exercising their minds, bodies, spirits, and
attitudes so that they walk into the first day of school confident,
happy, and ready to learn. Summer is still here, but school will be back
before you know it!
The ongoing debate over
the need for pre-k tends to take a “baby and the bathwater†tone which
has proponents on one side saying it should be universal and even
mandated with opponents on the other side saying it is basically
glorified babysitting and tax dollars could be better spent elsewhere.
As is the case in most of these situations, the truth lies in the middle
and not the fringes of the argument. Can Pre-K benefit kids? Absolutely, the data is very clear. Should every kid be mandated into a Pre-K program? No.
Many families are doing a great job preparing their kids for school and
have access to resources where socialization and learning are taking
place.
Let’s set the arguments and politics aside and talk about how and why pre-k could become a critical element of the educational system.
Consider these 5 points:
Learning to Learn
– the ability to teach our little ones to learn to learn dramatically
increases our ability to teach them to love to learn. Watch a
preschooler’s eyes light up when he picks up a picture book and someone
takes a few minutes to read it to him. Watch a little girl sit
spellbound as she listens to stories and sees the pictures. There is an innate curiosity in every child
and if that curiosity can be harnessed and pointed towards reading and
math at an early age, they will struggle less with both later.
Learning to Listen – just
as importantly as learning to read is learning the incredibly important
skill of listening. It is not in a preschooler’s nature to stop and
listen for instructions and follow instruction. Even at home, a
preschooler often has to be told multiple times to do a simple task. Now
complicate that task by adding in 15 more kids, each with their own set
of listening issues, and you can see how kindergarten can become a full
time “teaching to listen†rather than “teaching to learn†environment. Preschool is a terrific place for kids to learn to listen to and follow instructions in a group setting.
Many parents will say that they are teaching their kids these skills at
home, and that is fantastic. However, if you do not have an extra 15
4-5 year olds at your house, you cannot replicate the environment your
kids will have to learn to listen in at school.
Learn to be Independent – this is a hard one for many parents to come to grips with. Most parents want their little ones to need mommy and daddy and are worried about sending them off into the world too early.
Please consider this: no one can replace mom or dad but mom and dad,
and even multiple siblings, cannot replicate nor duplicate the social
structure that your little ones will need to adapt to in school. They
will need to learn to sit down by themselves, listen when told to do so,
complete work on their own, and be self sufficient in regards to
bathroom, eating, and self grooming skills. A preschool type environment
places an emphasis on independence in a group setting.
Learning to Play –
playtime is one of the most important aspects of a good preschool.
Playtime is when sharing and consideration and manners are not only
taught but also applied. Learning to play with others in a group setting is an incredibly important step in learning to learn with others.
The ability to collectively share imaginations, share toys, play both
organized and non-organized games, and interject in the group dynamics
is foundational stepping stone to academic success. Playing is a
preschooler’s way of expanding and engaging their imagination and when
that can be shared both expressively and receptively then the next step
of learning to learn as a group is so much easier.
Basic Learning – there is
a fallacy that pre-k should be an academic learning environment. If a
pre-k focuses primarily on academics then it is not likely to be
successful. However, if a preschool program focuses on socialization and
then uses academic lessons as an adjunct to the socialization process,
the outcome will be a more academically prepared kindergartener because
of exposure to academics. Good pre-k is more concerned with teaching little ones to be ready to learn, not jumping straight into the academic learning. But when the first is achieved, the second will follow.
The
pre-k argument is like most others. There are those on both sides that
have valid points, but they let the vitriol of their stance overshadow
the validity of their arguments. Let’s not throw out the baby with the
bathwater. Instead, let’s acknowledge that little ones who learn to love to learn and learn to be a part of a group are going to do better with academics.
Let’s also acknowledge that exposing little ones social and emotional
and developmental skills within the construct of a group will do better
in a classroom. Pre-k can and should be a terrific addition to the
academic milieu but only when the intent is to prepare little ones to
learn. Government provided babysitting is not a benefit. School based
interpersonal and group skill teaching is a benefit that cannot be
overstated.
If you
have read many of my postings then you probably already know that I
have been blessed with 3 of the best kids you will ever meet. My 17-year
-old daughter Megan is as close to perfect as a teenager can get. Her
sweet disposition is matched only by her intellect, love, and faith. My
14-year-old son is as fun a kid as you could ever be around. He is also
the type of boy that holds doors open, helps people carry things and
looks for opportunities to serve. My 9-year-old Abbie is our sweet
perfectionist. She has this shy, demure countenance but it is coupled
with an insatiable desire to be the best. She definitely makes her Daddy
smile!
I am
guessing that you are asking yourself if there is a point to any of this
other than me taking another opportunity to brag on my kids. Let me
readily acknowledge that I seldom pass up an opportunity to brag on my
kids, so there is a little of that going on. The bigger point I
want to share is that when you see good kids and you are around kids
that make you like kids all over again, it isn’t by accident. Great kids don’t just happen.
Sure, there are kids born with terrific personalities and likability
but there is a lot of work that has to be done to cultivate those
personalities into great kids.
I have
great kids and it is work. But I cannot claim the credit for my kids. I
am a very involved Dad, a true believer in proactive parenting and I
love my kids with all of my heart, but the real parenting magic in our
house lies with my wife. She is quite simply the best parent I have ever
seen.
Before you
become too skeptical that I am saying these things to get out of the
doghouse for some husband goof-up, or that I am just trying to get on my
wife’s good side, please know that this posting has been in the works
for a long time; I have spent the summer trying to really put my finger
on what it is that makes Sylvia so effective as a mother. I have known
for years that Sylvia is a talented mother, and yes – parenting is a
true talent — but I have not been able to put my finger on the main
reason why until this summer. And once it finally dawned on me what the
real skill is that makes Sylvia so effective, it made me really look at myself and think about how I could practice this skill and hone this talent.
So please, aside from a little self-indulgence that might appear as
bragging on my wife, know that I am placing myself squarely in the
“needs to improve†category for this skill.
Before I share this found skill with you let me mark the “Big 5†off the list.
It’s not love – I can promise you
that Sylvia loves her children. Lots of moms do. And I am guessing that
the love most moms have for their kids is unquestionable and absolute. So yes, love is critically important and is absolutely necessary, but it isn’t enough to be a good parent. There are lots of goofballs that unabashedly love their kids yet are lousy parents.
It’s not discipline – It goes against every fiber of my being to write this, but discipline is not the difference maker.
Yes, discipline is vital to being a good parent and discipline is an
absolute necessity when it comes to raising good kids. But there are a
lot of parents out there that are consistent disciplinarians yet they
are not effective parents. Discipline alone is not good enough.
It’s not commitment – Being a parent
is a 24/7 job. Lots of people build their entire lives around their
children and are fully committed to giving them the best experiences,
education, physical comfort, and intellectual stimulation possible. Lots
of people fully devote themselves to their kids but there are still
quite a few of these folks who struggle as parents. Commitment, once again, is critical but it is not enough.
It’s not nurturing – Being a nurturing parent is not instinctual to all parents.
Many have to work on nurturing, but there are those who are nurturers
and have the temperament and personality to truly care for and take care
of their children. Again, this is a wonderful attribute and one that
all of us should strive for but it is not enough by itself.
It’s not nature – Some folks think that good kids are just born that way and obstinate kids come out of the womb ready to rumble. Nature surely does play a part in the personality and affect of kids but it is neither the ultimate determinant nor the insurmountable problem. Nature creates tendencies and predilections but it does not make the kid. Nature is the starting point, not the end result
So now
that we have these 5 marked off this list what is left? What can
possibly be left over as I claim that these 5 cornerstones of parenting
are not the true determinant and final arbiter of effectiveness? The answer is supremely simple, yet agonizingly difficult.
The answer weaves love and discipline, commitment, nurturing and nature
into a tapestry of an action that is the true difference maker. Here it
is:
Great parents consistently make the hard choices.
That’s it. That’s the key. That is what I found separates my Sylvia from so many other moms that continually call her for advice. That is what separates Sylvia from me.
I, like many parents, love my kids and make it known to them how much
they are loved. I discipline from a standpoint of consistent love, and
no one can ever accuse me of not being fully committed to my kids. I am
not a natural nurturer, but I know this and I try my best to always make
up for any nurturing deficiencies. And I cannot claim nature as a huge
advantage for my kids. I am a generation or so removed from some family
tree branches that I am not quite sure ever forked. But I have great
kids.
Over the
last 6 weeks I have purposefully watched my wife’s interactions with my
kids and my niece and nephews who have spent a lot of the summer with
us. I watched her as she daily raised our kids and then was the
surrogate parental figure for our little niece and nephews. I watched
the absolute love and the disciplined approach and the commitment that
only a mom can have creating this nurturing environment that enhance
natures gifts and minimized natures flaws. Then I watched her consistently and constantly make choices that were best for the kids, irrespective of the popularity or ease of the decision.
She simply made decision after decision and choice after choice that
were completely geared towards the betterment of our kids. Note that I
did not say happiness. Many of these decisions did not make the kids
happy. Many of them didn’t make Sylvie or I happy, but they needed to be
made. The kids needed to see and hear and live and learn that making
the right decision was a given, and there would be no equivocation for
expediency or comfort’s sake.
Sylvia and
I talk a lot about how we parent our kids. We spend lots of time
talking about what is going well and what we need to improve on. We talk
about our kids’ strengths and how we can enhance them, and we talk
about where they struggle and how we can help. What I have learned from
Sylvia during these talks is that she is constantly looking at how the things we do, the words we say, the places we go and the values we imbue all affect our kids.
She is looking ahead and seeing that even though it would have been
easier and the kids would have celebrated her leniency, giving in on
some things won’t have be good for our kids in the long run. We talk
about tough choices and I find myself many times lobbying for choices
that would make one of the kids really happy in the moment, but Sylvia
constantly comes back to the lesson the kids would have learned from
that choice. I find myself often times lobbying from the standpoint of
wanting something for one of the kids that would have made them more
popular, because that would have made them happy in that moment, but
Sylvia always comes back to the moments that follow and the lessons that
would have been taught — and whether or not the momentary, and
sometimes even vapid, happiness is worth the lesson.
I have figured out that great parenting is really hard. The strange thing is that it is easy to love my kids and do for my kids and even try to make my kids more socially prepared. But it is hard to constantly and consistently make the hard choices.
It is hard to give up instant gratification for long term gain. It is
hard to give up popularity for being right. But do you know the crazy
thing? Sylvia makes those hard choices over and over. Often times they
aren’t popular with the kids or even with she and I. But my kids love
their mom. More importantly, they trust her and confide in her and know
that she will always do what is best for them. Even when they don’t
agree with the choice, they respect the intent because they know every
decision she makes is purposeful.
Being a parent is hard. But watching your kids thrive makes every second of difficulty worth it! Consistently making the hard decision is not fun or easy, but the end result is oh so worth it.
