In a couple of days I am
going to have the honor of standing in front of a graduating class of
seniors, accepting their course work and declaring them graduates. I
chair the Board of Trustees for the school my children and many of their
friends attend. In a couple of days, I am going to watch young men who
swam in my pool at the kindergarten party 12 years ago walk across the
stage and accept a diploma. I am going to watch young women who spent
the night at my home and giggled with my daughter as they talked about
boys and dressed up like princesses walk across the stage and walk in to
a new stage of life. In a couple of days the world as I know it will once again be redefined, because kids I have seen every day for 12 years are not going to be there anymore.
When these milestone days occur it is humbling, because it is a reminder of how fast time is passing by.
One of my best friend’s
sons will graduate Friday evening. This is a boy who I have shot
fireworks with on the 4th of July and who I remember trying to coax into
the water because he was too scared as a little fella to jump in the
pool at a cookout. Girls that my daughter has played sports with, and
who have eaten most of the food in my house, are scattering to different
towns and different states as they pursue college degrees. These kids
were just kids and I turned around and now they are high school
graduates about to head out on their own. I am worried that if I turn
around again they will have kids of their own and once again time will
have passed by so quickly.
When days like
graduation day occur, it makes me wish I could just slow down time and
keep these kids as kids just a little while longer. I love the giggling
and the silliness and the innocence of childhood. I love it when my
youngest daughter sings at the top of her lungs with absolutely no
embarrassment or awareness as she dresses. I love it that my son still
runs through the house and hugs me when I get home. I don’t want these days to end. But they will. And for some they just did.
So what do we do? How do
we walk into a world where our kids are growing up and leaving? How do
we cope with the fact that time is passing much quicker with every year
of our life? We deal with it by making sure there are no wasted days.
A day spent in front of the TV is a wasted day. A day spent shooting
baskets with your kids is a day well spent. A day spent worrying about
finances and work is a wasted day. A day spent laughing with and loving
on your spouse and kids is a day well spent. A day spent wishing for
peace and quiet while the kids romp and stomp is a day that will be
sorely missed in the very near future.
Today is here. Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow
will come and go so quick you won’t even have time to remember most of
it. So make today count. Thousands of kids are about to walk across the
stage, and we are going to declare them young adults. If one of
these kids is yours, seize the moment and hug and kiss and love on your
kid and make it a day that they will always remember as a great one.
I don’t care if your graduate is a 250 pound hulk of a young man or a
105 pound little lady – your child is never too old or too mature or too
big to not need a hug and kiss from mom and dad! Make today a day that
they know they have achieved a lifetime milestone, and they knew they
had made you proud.
If you have younger
ones, realize how quickly the day is coming that they will walk across
that stage… and then walk out of your home. Cherish these days,
because they will be gone soon and you will wish you had one more day of
giggling and running and playing. If your kids have already walked that
stage and have started a life on their own, this is the perfect time to
pick up the phone and remind them just how proud of them that your are.
Sadly, many kids who should be walking that stage are not.
If you know one of those
kids then make it your mission to encourage them to go back and finish
the very thing that they need to begin a life of independence. It is so
hard to get a dropout excited about going back to school, but a great
motivator is encouragement and love and support and persistence. If you
know of a child who is at-risk of dropping out, now is the time to make
sure they know that you are there to help them maintain. Help them
understand that with a little hard work and perseverance, they too can
walk that stage and then time will fly for them as well.
I keep telling life to slow down, and it is just not listening. So I have decided that today will be a great day, because today is what we have.
There are few places
that bring about the smile of a child faster than Disney World. Just the
thought of riding the spinning teacups or flying on Space Mountain or
going on an adventure with the Pirates of Caribbean will bring cheers
from any aged child. Disney World is a planet unto itself where
make-believe and wonder are at the core of every day. Where else can you
eat lunch with Cinderella and have dinner at Epcot while a Viking ship
patrols the Fjord? Disney World was built to indulge the imagination and
be the friendliest and happiest place in the world.
At the heart of the idea
of Disney World was the man of imagination, Walt Disney. Everything
Disney did he did for the purpose of the family and the purpose of
enticing the imagination and stimulating the mind. With such an
emphasis on the mind of a child, I wonder what Walt Disney would think
of the diminishing value being placed on competition and curtailing the
efforts to win. Walt Disney was the quintessential builder of
children and family fun. Surely he would support the “everyone gets a
trophy so that everyone is happy all the time†mentality right?
Walt Disney not only advocated competition, he felt it was absolutely necessary to become your best. He realized that competition creates the desire to excel. Winning brings about exhilaration, but losing brings about an opportunity to learn and improve.
Character is not built when an unearned trophy is placed in the hands of an undeserving participant. Character
is built when someone faces obstacles and when the obstacles win they
work harder to overcome them and then when victory comes it means
something.
Let me say this as succinctly as I know how:
“It is
ludicrous to think that competition is harmful to children. It is
unhealthy to create a culture that promotes the unattainable notion that
everyone can win all the time. It is cruel to create a sense of
entitlement in a child and have them grow thinking the world will always
allow them to win.â€
There
are stories in the news about schools doing away with the competition of
“field day†because they don’t want the kids who can’t run as fast
feeling bad about themselves. There are stories of schools doing away
with dodge-ball because they don’t want kids to feel bad about
themselves. There are stories about all the kids on the team getting a
ribbon as the MVP and schools not wanting to keep score so that no one
feels bad at the end of the game. This is just plain wrong!
While it
might seem like a good thing to guard our kids’ feelings by making sure
they get a ribbon or a trophy or are always called a winner, it’s not
good because that is not the way the world works. In the real world, the job market is competitive and continued employment is contingent on results.
Some of you might be thinking, “Well what does that have to do with my
3rd grader?†Your 3rd grader is learning life lessons every day, and
competition and the ability to compete is taught in these formative
years. By the time your 3rd grader is ready to enter the job market at
18 or at 24, it will be too late to teach the value of competitiveness.
Beyond future employability, forgoing competitiveness creates a mentality that working is not necessary for achieving. If everyone gets a trophy and everyone gets a good grade and everyone wins at field day… then no one wins. It is like the quote from the movie The Incredibles, “When everyone is special, then no one will be.â€
Those who are promoting
an “everybody wins all the time†mentality, or even a “let’s not keep
score†mentality, are basically fostering the notion that suppressing
the winner will make the losing team feel better. Then where’s the
incentive? Why should I work and practice and try when it doesn’t
matter? Why should I try to be special when the system rewards mediocrity the same as achievement?
Here’s a
cold hard fact of life – some kids are better athletes than others and
will win more games. Some kids are faster and stronger than others and
will be chosen first on the playground. Some kids are smarter than
others and will make better grades. Some kids sing better than others
and will win the part in the school play. Does that mean we need to suppress talents so other kids won’t feel they aren’t as special? Should we remove incentive to achieve so that they do not stand out more than the other kids? If we do, we are teaching kids that working for achievement is not only unnecessary it is impractical.
How about instead of trying to insure every kid gets a trophy we go back to the world of “if you want something work for itâ€. How
about instead of rewarding mediocrity by suppressing achievement let’s
award achievement, and then teach our kids to work hard so that they too
can achieve. And let’s be honest about it.
There
will always be kids that, even with hard work, are not going to be as
fast or as strong or as athletic as some of the other kids. That doesn’t
mean they should quit trying. Instead, teach them to try and to work
and then to find the thing in which they excel. Incentivize kids
to want that feeling of achievement and to find the thing in which they
excel so that they can have that feeling. For every kid who is
fast there is a kid who sings beautifully. For every kid that is strong
there is a kid who excels in drama. For every boy that can hit a ball
there is a boy who excels in math. For every girl that can spike a
volleyball, there is a girl who writes beautiful prose.
The
beauty of competition is that it makes the best rise to the top and
motivates those who want to be at the top to try harder. Competition
rewards achievement and gives an opportunity for anyone to win provided
they have put the work and effort into it. Competition also teaches that
someone will lose and someone will walk away without a trophy. That’s life. That’s real.
Here’s one more thing to
think about: there are those in our country who are trying to remove
competition and create an “everyone gets a trophy†mentality. We do not
live in a world that has that same philosophy. We live in a world that
has emerging economies and emerging societies that are hungry for
success and hungry for achievement. By dampening our kids’
desire to achieve, we are setting them behind those kids from other
countries who are driven to succeed because of necessity and status of
life.
Competition is necessary. There should be a winner and there should be a loser.
There is nothing wrong
with a child hoisting a trophy he has won, and there is nothing wrong
with a child watching that trophy being hoisted by another child when he
has lost. This country was forged in competitiveness for land and
resources and independence. Killing competitiveness and rewarding
mediocrity is a great way to insure our future generations will be on
the losing team in life. It is much better to learn to compete on the
fields and in the classrooms and choir rooms than to learn the true
consequences of losing in the workforce and in a global economy. We owe it to our kids to teach them to compete!
Anger
is one of the most readily identifiable and easy to discern emotions we
deal with each day. From being cut off in traffic to something going
wrong at work to breaking your favorite glass – anger happens. We have
read so much pop-psychology regarding anger that we have almost made it a
bad word. It is as if people who are truly centered and enlightened
will no longer get angry. This is not only wrong, it’s goofy.
Anger is a necessary emotion that everyone has and needs to experience.
Anger provides
perspective for the other emotions, and it acts as a barometer in how
well we can control our range of emotions. Anger is real. But there is a
difference between anger and being mad.
∞ ∞ ∞
Louie hates the time between 5th and 6th period…
He has 5th period
American History which requires him toting a book that is roughly the
size of all his other books combined as well as his backpack, binder,
and all his other classroom supplies. After 5th period History, Louie
has to go to his locker and get his gym bag and put his books away, and
then make it to the gym in the 5 minute time period between classes. It
doesn’t help that Mrs. Trent, the History teacher, likes to lecture
until the bell rings and that you aren’t allowed to get everything
packed up until she is through lecturing. To put it mildly, the race to
the gym is more exercise than the PE class!
The 5th period bell
rings, and Louie begins the mad scramble of putting his books and papers
and pen away and rushing for the door and down a flight of stairs and
across the courtyard to the lockers. He frantically spins the lock on
the locker door and misses the second number so he starts it over again.
2 to the right and then to 18, one spin to the left and then 4, finally
a half a spin to the right stopping at 29 and the lock will…
“Hey!â€,
Louie shouts at Chad as Chad reaches over his shoulder and snaps the
lock shut and spins the dial. Chad is laughing thinking he has pulled a
prank on Louie. He has no idea how stressed Louie is at the moment… and Louie doesn’t react well.
Louie shoves Chad back and yells, “Why do you always have to be such a jerk?!?â€
Chad is taken aback because he was just horsing around, and Louie is
usually a good sport. Chad says, “Sorry†and turns to walk away. Louie
stops Chad and apologizes for calling him a name and as he reopens the
lock, he quickly explains why he is in such a hurry and why he reacted
so angrily towards Chad.
Louie was angry, he overreacted and he was wrong to call a name, but he quickly regained control, set his anger aside, apologized, and moved on.
Chad won’t spin his lock again after 5th period.
∞ ∞ ∞
Anger happens every day.
Overreactions occur every day. That is what apologies are made for.
Yes, it is much better
to always have complete control of your reactions, but the honest truth
is that we all get angry and we all say and do things we wish we had not
done. That is life and life is real.
But again, there is a difference between getting angry and being mad…
∞ ∞ ∞
Callie
looks at her phone as it buzzes with another text announcement. She has
had a running text conversation with Kendra about a joint homework
assignment, and she is starting to get aggravated because in Kendra’s
last text she seemed to imply that Callie wasn’t doing her share of the
work. The text that is beginning to get under Callie’s skin reads
“heading to library, again, want to join me?†That word “again†is
starting to crawl up Callie’s back and sit on her like a ton of bricks.
“What does she mean “again� I’ve been to the library. I’ve already done
my part of the bibliography. Where does she get off saying “again†as
if I haven’t already been there doing my fair share?†Callie just looks
away from the text and the more she thinks about it the madder she gets.
Another buzz goes off and there’s another text from Kendra – “Still at the library, you coming?â€
Now Callie is just full on mad…“Still at the libraryâ€?
Every time Callie reads
“Still at the library†she gets irritated because Kendra is really
pushing it that Callie isn’t doing her fair share of the work. How would
Kendra even know what I have done? Callie just ignores this one and in
fact doesn’t return any texts to Kendra and doesn’t answer when she
calls later than evening.
The next morning Callie
is walking to her locker and is still mad. Who does Kendra think that
she is to question her when she doesn’t even know what work she has
done? What gives her the right to accuse her of not doing her fair
share? Why should she have to run to the library just because it’s a
convenient time for Kendra? The more Callie thinks about it the more
frustrated she feels and the more she wants to just tell Kendra to back
off. And here comes Kendra.
“Hey Callieâ€, Kendra says “I missed you yesterday.â€
“Yeah, I know. You made it really clear you that you were slaving away on the paper and I was doing nothing.â€
Kendra is taken aback
and isn’t sure what to say. Callie continues, “Where do you get off
implying that I am not doing my share of the load and that I should drop
everything and run to the library just because it is a good time for
you? Why do you think you get to tell me where to go and when I should
work and what I should be doing?â€
At this point Kendra is
thoroughly confused and the more Callie talks the louder she is getting
and the less sense she is making. Kendra genuinely has no idea why Callie is angry.
She simply thought she was texting a friend to let her know she was
working on their joint assignment and that she was going to be in the
library for a while. As she tries to listen and understand why Callie is
mad, she wracks her brain trying to think of what she said that could
have made her so mad. By the time Callie is finished chewing her out
there is a crowd gathered and Kendra hasn’t said a single word just
because she is so shocked. Callie turns and stomps away and Kendra just
stands there, mouth agape, confused and hurt.
∞ ∞ ∞
Louis was angry because something happened and, even though he overacted, his anger was quickly controlled and the situation was handled.
Callie was also angered. But the difference is that she never dealt with her anger
and instead let it seethe and she got to the point that she was no
longer in the situation that made her angry. Instead, she just decided
to be mad and stay mad. She decided to infer and to speculate as to
Kendra’s intent, and then she let misunderstood words create a narrative
in her mind that created a very different story than the words’ real
intent. And then she committed the greatest error: she didn’t go to
Kendra for clarification; she just accepted this wrong narrative as fact
and let it fester and took out her anger on Kendra.
The difference in the
way Louis and Callie dealt with their anger is significant. The irony is
that Louis didn’t handle his anger correctly, but because he quickly
backtracked and was able to correct the situation, it turned out ok.
Callie just didn’t deal with her anger and when she finally did she
exploded and hurt a friend, she may have even lost a friend. At the very
least she embarrassed her friend and herself.
One of the realities that many people, especially kids, need to learn is that
they will get angry.
They will be in
situations that make them mad. They will overact at times and will even
say and do things that they will likely regret. But, letting their anger
sit and just being mad is much worse, and much more dangerous, than
even the quick reaction. Kids need to learn that hiding from their anger
and acting like it is not there is not healthy, and it will cause
problems for them– and likely for the people that are the target of
their anger.
Instead of festering, people need to learn that the best way of dealing with their anger is just that – deal with it.
If someone makes you mad, talk to them.
If someone does something that angers you, tell them.
It may seem
confrontational, but even a confrontational discussion is better than an
explosion of emotions that have been bottled up. Kids need to learn how
to talk to people when they are mad, and they need to learn to confront
people when they are mad. This is a skill that has to be taught and has
to be practiced. The best method of teaching this skill is to demonstrate it.
If your kids and your students see you confront and talk to someone
when you are angry and resolve the situation directly, they will begin
to learn how to do it. They will begin to see that it is ok to talk to
someone when you are angry as long as you control your anger. Modeling
is the best teacher for learning to confront and control anger.
One last point: E-mail and texting are terrible media for resolving problems… but terrific ones for beginning problems.
Words
can seem rude or even mean when you cannot hear the inflection and the
intent behind them. Electronic messages do not have the benefit of
emotion or complete thought, so the recipient will fill in the blanks–
and if they translate it incorrectly, they can start down a road to
being angry that isn’t justified. If you get an e-mail or text and you
think it is rude or is being sent in anger, the best way to resolve it
is face to face and the next best way is to pick up the phone and talk. Talking is a medium to deal with anger, texting is not.Eye to eye is a way of dealing with anger, e-mail is not.
I have a good friend and
business partner who demonstrated this to me recently. In an e-mail
exchange that was initially innocuous, a misunderstanding grew into
borderline territorialism. Rather than letting it fester and letting it
become a problem, he picked up the phone and said let’s get face to
face. We met and it was quickly resolved. What was
beginning to become a problem really wasn’t even worthy of truly being
called a problem. What a great example of how face to face can solve
many problems that typed words start.
Everyone gets angry. Show your students and your kids what to do by getting face to face and eye to eye and dealing with it.
The days between the invite and the movie were filled with fear and the nights were sleepless. I juxtaposed between dread and elation.
I was at the peak of anticipatory joy and at the same time unmitigated
fear. I prayed for an illness to consume my body leaving me powerless to
attend the matinee, while at the same, time I combed through my
wardrobe and prepared my opening line. It was the longest week of my
life.
Saturday arrived and I awoke and laid I bed. This was a life altering day.
This was the first Saturday since my
brain had begun registering my memories that I did not start my weekend
with Bugs Bunny. Instead, I laid there in a cold sweat. My hands were
clammy and I am pretty sure my breathing was erratic. I was too
petrified with fear to move. This was so confusing.
One year ago I would have slapped Melissa upside the head with my lunch pail if she would have suggested a joint social opportunity, and now I found myself in the position of bathing and dressing up to be in the presence of this girl.
“When had my life ended?†I bemoaned.
I walked to the movie theatre. Every
step is heavier and longer than the one before. There seems to be a
cloud following me and I am not sure if it is the cloud of doom or a
cloud from the half of a bottle of Old Spice I had taken from my Dad’s
dresser. As I near the theatre I spot Melissa and her friends in line. I
start to turn to run when I hear my name called. It’s her and I’m stuck.
I walk slowly towards the group of
females. There are sneers and smiles of the conquerors over their
subdued prey. I recognize many of these girls as previous targets of my
preteen male aggression, replete with rhyming names and snide
commentary. And now here I was, entering their stronghold of hormonal induced surrender.
Melissa held her hand out to me and I was subjugated. This was already
much more physical contact than I was prepared for, and my equilibrium
was completely off kilter.
I was hearing condescending welcomes and
a sarcastic homage about my ability to be in the presence of civilized
people without resorting to blows. All of this was coming from Melissa’s
friends. My dignity was shrinking by the minute, but for some reason I
did not retaliate. Instead I smiled, acted pleasant, and pretended to
enjoy myself.
I had sold my dignity for a girl with blue eyes.
I
sat silent throughout the movie. I did not talk. I had stopped moving
about 30 seconds into the movie when I shifted in my seat and the seat
groaned. I feared that the seats groaning could be confused for a lack
of bodily control on my part, so I sat motionless. I could feel the sweat running down my body, and my muscles were aching from this rigid position… but I held firm.
For what seemed to be hours and hours I endured this movie. I do not
know what movie it was because I was too busy concentrating on not
moving and pretending not to exist. I even tried to mute my breathing,
hoping everyone would forget I was there. The movie finally ended and we
walked to the foyer.
As Melissa and her friends discussed the
movie, I tried my best to blend into the wallpaper. I was hoping that I
would be forgotten and they would all go on their way without me. But
Melissa turned to me and asked me what I thought. Not having a clue what
the movie was about, I told her that I agreed with everything she has
said. She smiled at me and nodded, putting her hand on my arm. I almost
fainted but again I did not utter a sound.
Two hours into the world of women and I was already letting them decide my opinions.
After her friends were gone I walked
Melissa home. I fought the urge to pick up rocks along the way. I fought
the urge to chase a lizard that crossed our path. I fought the urge to
challenge her to race to her house. Instead, I walked by her side
agreeing with what she was saying and not having a clue what she was
talking about.
When it was finally over I ran home. It
was the most miserable afternoon of my life. I was exhausted. I had
wasted my lawn mowing money on a movie I did not remember. I would
surely be the butt of jokes from my friends on Monday.
It was awful; and I couldn’t wait to do it again.
That spring afternoon I had my first
experience of dating. There was no kiss. There was no ride home. There
was no love exchanged.Instead, a young boy harnessed his wild spirit and for a few hours conformed to the world of the civilized female. Little did I know then that this afternoon was an omen of days to come.
The days between the invite and the movie were filled with fear and the nights were sleepless. I juxtaposed between dread and elation.
I was at the peak of anticipatory joy and at the same time unmitigated
fear. I prayed for an illness to consume my body leaving me powerless to
attend the matinee, while at the same, time I combed through my
wardrobe and prepared my opening line. It was the longest week of my
life.
Saturday arrived and I awoke and laid I bed. This was a life altering day.
This was the first Saturday since my
brain had begun registering my memories that I did not start my weekend
with Bugs Bunny. Instead, I laid there in a cold sweat. My hands were
clammy and I am pretty sure my breathing was erratic. I was too
petrified with fear to move. This was so confusing.
One year ago I would have slapped Melissa upside the head with my lunch pail if she would have suggested a joint social opportunity, and now I found myself in the position of bathing and dressing up to be in the presence of this girl.
“When had my life ended?†I bemoaned.
I walked to the movie theatre. Every
step is heavier and longer than the one before. There seems to be a
cloud following me and I am not sure if it is the cloud of doom or a
cloud from the half of a bottle of Old Spice I had taken from my Dad’s
dresser. As I near the theatre I spot Melissa and her friends in line. I
start to turn to run when I hear my name called. It’s her and I’m stuck.
I walk slowly towards the group of
females. There are sneers and smiles of the conquerors over their
subdued prey. I recognize many of these girls as previous targets of my
preteen male aggression, replete with rhyming names and snide
commentary. And now here I was, entering their stronghold of hormonal induced surrender.
Melissa held her hand out to me and I was subjugated. This was already
much more physical contact than I was prepared for, and my equilibrium
was completely off kilter.
I was hearing condescending welcomes and
a sarcastic homage about my ability to be in the presence of civilized
people without resorting to blows. All of this was coming from Melissa’s
friends. My dignity was shrinking by the minute, but for some reason I
did not retaliate. Instead I smiled, acted pleasant, and pretended to
enjoy myself.
I had sold my dignity for a girl with blue eyes.
I
sat silent throughout the movie. I did not talk. I had stopped moving
about 30 seconds into the movie when I shifted in my seat and the seat
groaned. I feared that the seats groaning could be confused for a lack
of bodily control on my part, so I sat motionless. I could feel the sweat running down my body, and my muscles were aching from this rigid position… but I held firm.
For what seemed to be hours and hours I endured this movie. I do not
know what movie it was because I was too busy concentrating on not
moving and pretending not to exist. I even tried to mute my breathing,
hoping everyone would forget I was there. The movie finally ended and we
walked to the foyer.
As Melissa and her friends discussed the
movie, I tried my best to blend into the wallpaper. I was hoping that I
would be forgotten and they would all go on their way without me. But
Melissa turned to me and asked me what I thought. Not having a clue what
the movie was about, I told her that I agreed with everything she has
said. She smiled at me and nodded, putting her hand on my arm. I almost
fainted but again I did not utter a sound.
Two hours into the world of women and I was already letting them decide my opinions.
After her friends were gone I walked
Melissa home. I fought the urge to pick up rocks along the way. I fought
the urge to chase a lizard that crossed our path. I fought the urge to
challenge her to race to her house. Instead, I walked by her side
agreeing with what she was saying and not having a clue what she was
talking about.
When it was finally over I ran home. It
was the most miserable afternoon of my life. I was exhausted. I had
wasted my lawn mowing money on a movie I did not remember. I would
surely be the butt of jokes from my friends on Monday.
It was awful; and I couldn’t wait to do it again.
That spring afternoon I had my first
experience of dating. There was no kiss. There was no ride home. There
was no love exchanged.Instead, a young boy harnessed his wild spirit and for a few hours conformed to the world of the civilized female. Little did I know then that this afternoon was an omen of days to come.
